What is “No Contact” in a Narcissistic Relationship?
Once you end a relationship with a narcissist, how do you truly cut things off with them?
No contact is a concept that is easy to envision but hard to accomplish.
What Just Happened?
This is often the question we ask ourselves after having contact with someone that is narcissistic.
What in the heck just happened to me? What did I do that? Why am I feeling so crappy?
Or some other version of those questions…
It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a sister, a grandfather, a boss, a romantic partner, a friend or even our own child. Coming into contact with someone that has antagonistic traits is frustrating.
But not only is it frustrating, it’s confusing.
It makes complete sense why, once you understand the dynamics of someone with selfish traits, but it doesn’t make it feel any better.
Once you’ve hit your limit and decide to remove that person from your life you’re faced with the dilemma of HOW…
How do you go about doing that? How do you get them gone for good.
What is The Concept of No-Contact?
No contact is the practice of completely removing all access points to you.
It is meant to be a form of protection, not of punishment.
Like anything else, it’s all in the intention behind it. If you are trying to use it to get back at someone then you aren’t using no contact, you are instead using the silent treatment and stonewalling, which are meant to be manipulative and hurtful.
However, if your intent is to protect yourself from harassment or abuse and to give yourself the space to heal, then you are doing No-Contact.
What Does it Look Like?
One of the best ways I was described No-Contact is through a visualization.
Imagine you are in a room and there is a fire raging outside. You don’t want to let any smoke in so you block off any way that the smoke can get to you.
Crack under the door- Block it
Window open- Block it
Vent in the ceiling- Block it
Wall socket loose- Block it
Nail hole- Block it
You get the picture. This is what you need to do to achieve No-Contact.
So How Do You Do It?
In today’s world it will look like this.
Blocking numbers on your phone
Removing and blocking on all social media sites
Removing and blocking from email. Or even making a new email account they don’t know about.
Possibly moving or changing jobs (in stalking situations)
Letting friends, family members and coworkers know that you DO NOT want to hear about them through gossip or have messages given to you by them.
Removing from all joints accounts: Netflix, Amazon, financial, cellular plans, vehicle/home, insurance, rewards, gym membership, clubs, etc…
Resigning from boards or committees.
Non of it is easy and is a hassle. But it is a hassle that is worth it in the long run. It has a wonderful ROI. You get temporary annoyance now at having to do so much to achieve distance, but you get freedom and peace for the long term.
Modified No-Contact
If you can’t go full No-Contact then modified is an option.
This is NOT for if you don’t want to go full, this is for when you cannot for whatever reason.
Usually this reason is children. If you have children with someone with narcissistic traits then you don’t have the luxury of going full out No-Contact.
This may also happen when you have a family member that is toxic, like a sister or brother, and you don’t want to be cut off from your nieces or nephews lives, so you modify to be able to stay around them.
There are as many legitimate reasons for not being able to as there are for needing to.
Modified will look like this:
Setting firm boundaries on contact: this can be by only having email correspondence or using a parenting app, etc.
Limiting interactions: If you have a specific time of day you will read or respond to contact, you can control the access to you easier.
Being clear with these limits: You must make it known what the terms of contact are for you. They will not be able to guess and will try to push the limits often once they do know.
Be prepared for having your boundaries tested: Antagonistic people will do this. It’s the nature of the beast. They push, that why firm boundaries are important. They protect you from this behavior when it inevitably happens.
Limit the discussion to what is necessary: No re-hashing old grievances. No getting baited into irrelevant sideline discussions.
Don’t show emotions: This is usually what they are going for. To trigger any sort of emotional response. If you can be triggered you can be manipulated. They are predators. If they smell anxiety or fear they will up their game and it will get worse.
Just Do Your Best
We are all only human.
If you break No-Contact, that's OK. Just start again.
You did it once, you can do it again.
No one can be expected to get it right the first time, or even the hundredth time.
Practice it and you’ll get it down eventually.
