*I can fix it for you.* The mindset trap that keeps you stuck in a dysfunctional family dynamic

That battle cry is the perpetual struggle of the co-dependent.

Call it optimism, hopefulness or just being a too helpful. But whatever you do don’t call it healthy.

Getting out of this thought pattern is not only hard, it can often feel impossible to do on our own.

Why Do You Think This Way?

For most, this way of thinking began at a very young age. Our families and those around us train us how to think, feel and interact in the world.

We mimic our caregivers (or lack thereof) and we go out into the world thinking we are free thinkers that have made all of our own decisions.

And while that is true in part, it is also true that we have habits we picked up along the way to adulthood.

If we had role models that either wanted us to cater to them (as pseudo caregivers) or demonstrated to us that pattern (as co-dependents) then the “fix it” mindset was lived out throughout our childhood.

What now? How do I stop thinking and acting on this urge?

Understanding how you got to where you are is an important step in understanding how to change it.

If you can pinpoint where this behavior originated then you have a much better chance of turning it around.

But you don’t have to wait until you figure it out to get started. Many times the work begins and then clarity on how it all began comes along the way.

That’s the beauty of personal growth. There is no one way to do it right.

1.Start by opening up your mind to the possibility that the way you learned to be is not the “right way”.

Now that DOES NOT mean that it is the “wrong way” either. Just that it is POSSIBLE that there is another way.

This is where a lot of questions come into play. If you aren’t acting or thinking the right way….then what is another way to do it?

That thought worm can open up a whole new world of possibility to you. It breaks down the black and white thinking into all the in between shades of grey.

2.Next ask yourself this question… “What would happen if I didn’t fix it?”

Really what would happen. And I don’t mean what would the fall out be from the other person. That is always going to be a part of it. That is why the action was probably taken in the first place.

What would the actual consequences be?

Would it be good short term? Long term? Bad? Neutral?

Sometimes we are so busy being in fix-it mode on autopilot to look at what the real outcome would be. Think of the proverb — Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Yes, fixing a problem for someone solves the issue at that moment. but what about next time? Did they ever actually learn how to deal with the problem on their own?

Are you going to need to be there for the rest of your life to fix it for them? Are you ok with that?

Try these two things and see how it goes for you. These are great ways to begin your healing work and removing yourself as the “fixer” in peoples lives.