This Tricky Hoovering Technique Is The Most Dangerous If You Are The Helper Type
Narcissists and addicts use this to get you sucked back into enabling and caring for them.
How do you stop cleaning up another person’s messes? Photo by Oliver Hale on Unsplash
Setting boundaries with someone that is narcissistic or an addict is not an easy task to take on. When you finally reach a breaking point and are able to get away or take a step back in any capacity, they begin to scramble like a headless chicken and freak out. This can lead to a smorgasbord of unwanted behaviors.
If you have been the kind of person that is considered a helper or fixer, you are susceptible to this tactic.
What is Hoovering?
This is the definition from the Cleveland Clinic: “Narcissistic Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used to lure or suck a person back into a relationship they’re withdrawing or stepping away from. It’s a way of reasserting power and control and perpetuating a cycle of abuse.”
Its name comes from the Hoover brand of vacuum cleaners.
A hoover from a narcissist is not a given. If you don’t experience a hoover you should count your lucky stars. This is a calculated manipulation technique that is specially designed for you and IT WORKS.
The Hoovering Tactic You Are At High Risk For
If you have asked for your loved one to admit they need help and they know you are reaching the end of your rope they will 1. Begin to admit to things 2. Ask for your help.
This is how they get you. Admitting they aren’t perfect and asking for help. Whether it is abuse, addiction or narcissism you are dealing with, they will do this to get you back into the game.
A person trying to keep you around is not going to like it if you begin to distance yourself. They know what you think about them… because you have told them. They know what you want them to do… because you have told them. They know what would make you happy… because you have told them.
Now it’s their turn to tell you some things. The things you wanted to hear all along.
Finally! They Understand My Needs!
Slow down. Hit pause on the excitement.
When this is happening to you, you will hear all the things you have ever wanted to hear and feel the things you have wanted to feel. It’s intoxicating. It’s meant to flood your system with all the happy chemicals that your brain can produce. You are literally being drugged by it. The drugs may be of your own making, but they are still drugs.
To me the aspect of hoovering where they say the perfect thing is especially frustrating because of this…If they knew to say it now, they knew it all along! They just chose not to before.
How mean is it to use the things they knew you wanted more than anything else as a way to exploit your feelings?
If you have always wanted them to buy you gifts -> You will get them.
If you have always wanted them to help more around the house -> You will get it.
If you have wanted more phone calls -> They will call you a lot.
If you wanted sex -> Get ready to be rolled in the hay.
If you want them to go to rehab or therapy -> They will tell you they are going.
Temporarily. You will get these things temporarily. Or you will get the promises temporarily and never the follow up actions.
Typically, a few weeks or months is the longest length of time you will get these sorts of grand gestures. After that, they have depleted their ability to maintain the façade and you’ll see the cracks show.
After a few months, you will be expecting real action to be taken and not simply words and when they fail to produce it, you question them. You aren’t giving them the adoration and praise that they need anymore and they lose interest in the game once again.
Why Does This Work So Well?
If you are the kind of person who loves to be there for the people in your life, they are singing your perfect song.
They are lost, hurt, in need, and you are the key to their salvation! The light in the darkness. The one.
You can help fix them
The Distance
When you have been in a relationship marked by abuse, neglect, mistrust, cheating, addiction, or lying, there was a distance between you and the other person. A palpable emotional distance. You can be standing right beside them yet they feel a hundred miles away. You can be sharing your bodies but never sharing your hearts. They could be raising you in the house, but never care to know who you are as a person.
This is due to the lack of true emotional intimacy.
The Hope
Relationships like this are fueled by hope. Hope is the thing that the future depends on. If you didn’t have hope anymore, you would only have the present and the past.
The present sucks and the past is an illusion that is held with a clenched fist. The past in narcissistic relationships is usually the initial love bombing stage that swept you off your feet. That is the place that is constantly being dreamed of, yet is always just out of reach.
The Need To Be Chosen
It doesn’t matter the title of the relationship. It could be with a parent, partner, friend, co-worker, child, or sibling.
Narcissistic abuse breeds poor boundaries, low self-esteem and co-dependency. That is the entire point of it. It is designed to make you need them and need to be there for them.
Often they do this by making you feel like a disposable object. You aren’t.
They have a way of convincing others that they are replaceable. Yet at the same time, they make themselves dependent on you as well. It’s a confusing place to be.
They need you to take care of them… but they also don’t need you… and can get rid of you anytime… but you can’t go anywhere... because you are important… but not important enough to keep... but you better not leave.
It makes no sense. This is part of the crazy making cycle.
What it ends up doing is causing a dysfunctional pattern whereby you want them to approve of you and to feel the connection with you as you do with them. To be picked. To be chosen.
It promotes an unhealthy attachment.
How They Will Ask For Help
The promises are oddly similar each time. Some version of the things on this list may happen:
Help them make a plan for recovery
Find a therapist or coach
Find housing or ask to live with you
Create a resume or get a job
Money for school
Co-sign a loan or rental agreement
Money to begin a business
Making medical appointments
Looking up health insurance
Creating a list of people to apologize to
Driving them places
Reaching out to children or estranged loved ones on their behalf
Going to marriage counseling
Pausing a divorce or breakup
Do you see how tempting these things are to do? They are asking you to be there for them in important ways. They NEED YOU. They want your help. This time it will be different. You can’t tell them no when they finally, finally, FINALLY!!! are going to do it.
And that is how they snag you. That is how they pull your strings and maneuver you back into your old place.
That is why this tactic is so dangerous.
