The Danger Of Trying To Have The Perfectly Amicable Divorce
It’s a nice dream to have, but for many, it’s a tightrope walk over shark infested waters.
There are danger zones during divorce that hide in plain sight. Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash
It would be nice to have a cordial relationship after divorcing. Who wants to continue with the fighting and nonsense after the papers have been signed and you are no longer legally tied to your ex?
This is a relatively easy thing to do if you don’t have children together. Once you are divorced you can part ways and never have a reason to see each other again. You may run into them in town or hear about them through a mutual acquaintance, but you aren’t forced to be in their vicinity anymore.
When kids are involved it is a completely different game. The tethers that connected you when you were married can’t be completely severed.
The relationship between adults is the old circle. Now, there are two circles that overlap with the children.
The new family dynamic after divorce.
The children become the center of the union instead of the marriage and they feel the pressure that the new dynamic creates.
This is why many people try to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. To avoid the unnecessary extra stress on the kids. There is no way to avoid all of the stress. The kids will feel it in some form.
This Will Never Work In A High Conflict Divorce
Those social media moments where the two halves get along and even the new partners are happy with the arrangement is a fairy tale for those of us that are caught up in the dysfunctional dynamics of a high conflict divorce.
Typically high conflict cases are due to high conflict personalities by one or both of the parties. The most common ones are BPD and NPD.
BPD= Borderline Personality Disorder
NPD= Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Both of these personality disorders are characterized by cognitive distortions, antagonistic behaviors, manipulation, lying and impulsive behaviors. None of which are conducive to getting along with another person.
If you have a partner diagnosed (or even undiagnosed but suspected) with one of these disorders you are in for a hell of a trip during your divorce. If you had told me my partner’s mental illness was going to make my life hard well after the ink was dry on the divorce decree I would have thought you were exaggerating. Even years later, I still have to deal with the nonsense from the divorce through continued court dates, legal motions and parenting issues.
If I had the knowledge regarding NPD and BPD before we had married, I would have never said “I do.”
A marriage with someone who suffers from one of these mental health issues is like a wonky carnival ride. It is exciting but it makes you nauseous and may or may not kill you. And, if you have to deal with cheating you may come into contact with various community diseases.
The Person You Were Married At The End Of The Relationship (is who they will be post-divorce)
A high conflict personality is not something that crops up during separation. They were this way before you left, and will remain this way during and after the divorce is final.
Even if you didn’t recognize it before, it becomes clear once they know you see through their games. The day I left, I still had delusions that my ex-husband was going to be cooperative in the divorce. He was all for separating and beginning his new life with his affair partner. I assumed I would get the papers signed and we would never need to have contact again except for things regarding the kids.
I was wrong. Dead wrong.
A high conflict personality wants the conflict.
When it comes to this dynamic… Conflict = Control. Because, if you can be triggered you can be manipulated.
Even if they declare they don’t want to argue.
Even if they say out loud they want to co-parent.
Even if they say they want to collaborate with you on distributing assets.
Even if they claim they are not going to get a lawyer.
Even if they claim they want to be cordial.
IT IS A LIE. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.
This is the true danger zone. Where the lies and the truth intersect. I always tell clients, that if you only believe one thing, believe the actions. The actions will not lie. Words can mislead and betray you, actions won’t.
Actions are a language. They show you the truth every time.
If I tell you I will come to your basketball game but then do not show up -> which was the truth?
If I say I want to get along but then pick a fight with you -> which was the truth?
If I promised to have the kids at the meeting point by 4 but show up at 7 -> Which was the truth?
My actions are what happened. What happened cannot be denied. It is what was real. It doesn’t matter what my words were.
The main reason it is a lie is because they are not actually talking to you. They are talking to themselves.
It is a hard thing to go through life as someone with a high conflict personality. They are using the conversations with you as a way to convince themselves they are cooperative. It was never about you. It is about them.
They probably want to be more collaborative but do not have the skill set to accomplish it, so instead they lie about it to themselves. They talk to you as if they are trying to have a two way discussion, but since you are an object (not a human) they are really having a one way talk.
This is part of the Cluster B personality dynamic. People are objects. Things to be used. You cannot have a conversation with an object. You can only talk to it, but it can’t talk back.
You may as well be a household appliance. Imagine talking to a toaster. Would you expect it to have feelings or opinions? Would it matter if it did? Nope.
So when someone with one of these personalities is asking you to be reasonable, know they are really trying to convince themselves of the fantasy they are relaying. This fantasy is not likely to come true.
Why Do Some People Try To Have That Fairy Tale Post-Divorce Life?
This is not for every case, but for many, it is because of the lack of closure.
There is a high amount of fantasy thinking is involved in this lack of closure. The fantasy is that your ex-partner still has a significant role in your life. A role that hasn’t been moved from the partner status -> ex-partner status.
Now, this does NOT mean ex-parent. That person will always be the other parent in your child’s life if they choose to be. For the majority of people, if a person wants to remain an active parent, they have a legal right to.
{Of course, there are circumstances where they cannot, like addictions, abuse, severe mental illness, or institutionalization. Those things do happen on occasion.}
What I’m referring to it taking your ex and moving them out of the partner slot and giving them a completely new category to live in. A category where they do not have a significant role in your life.
They must get moved outside of your inner circle for closure to happen.
Closure is something you give yourself. It can never be given to you by another person. It involves you shutting the door in your head and heart to the possibility of your ex filling that role in your life.
The clients I have worked with who do not complete this process have a harder time during their high conflict divorces than the ones who have worked on closure.
Closure allows for distance from the feelings involved with your ex-spouse. It allows you to look at their actions from an almost third party perspective. Imagine a ghost hovering over you, watching your interactions. This is what closure provides.
If you do not finish the process of moving your ex away from their role you will be more susceptible to being manipulated and coerced into your old toxic dynamic. The dynamic that led to the divorce in the first place.
Why continue it after you have decided to go your separate ways?
If you want to get out of this negative cycle, consider giving up on the fairytale amicable post-divorce life. Build a new life that you want to be living instead. One that is achievable in the reality of your high-conflict case.
It may become your new fairytale ending.
