Projection: A natural human response that is twisted during narcissistic abuse
We all project. This is how it makes you vulnerable if you are dealing with a narcissist.
Projecting goes both ways. Photo by cottonbro studio
Words get hijacked.
Like the way the word gay used only to mean lighthearted and carefree. Now when we hear it, that is not what comes to mind first. Now we think of a term involving sexuality. The original meaning is still known, but it isn’t the way it is used most commonly.
This has happened to the word projection. Because narcissism is also a buzzword in today’s world, the act of projecting has been taken for the same negative ride. It is now associated with a pessimistic connotation and is seen as a thing that only dysfunctional people do.
That is not true. Every person on the planet projects. It is a normal thing to do.
It Is Only Negative When It Is From A Negative Source
Since the word involves pushing a narrative from one person onto another, the original source has to be taken into consideration.
If I have mistrust and cynicism in my heart, then the thing I am projecting will be mistrustful and cynical.
On the other hand, if I have hope and forgiveness then I will be projecting those things instead.
How Does This Leave You Open To Abuse
We can only view the world with our own eyes. It’s the only viewpoint we have an insider’s take on. We can guess and imagine the way another person sees things through empathizing.
Empathy and compassion are things that a person who is highly narcissistic wants but doesn’t know how to do in a traditional way.
They may be able to coldly empathize or rationally think about how a person may feel, but putting themselves in another person’s shoes and feeling the differing degrees of emotion is out of their wheelhouse.
Their empathy is more functional and less emotional.
If you are someone who has a more warm and rich empathic ability ( a normal range), you can get yourself into trouble by assuming the narcissist has more good intentions than they actually do. This is when your positive projection is placed onto someone who is not demonstrating those positive traits.
You are projecting your hopefulness and love onto them.
It makes it hard to accept that they are narcissistic and leaves you unprotected against the inevitable blowback.
Can you see how being the kind of person who is looking for things to be hopeful about, will leave you open to manipulation?
This Is Where The Golden Rule Works Against You
The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
In Layman’s terms: treat people how you want to be treated.
This is the perfect example of using projection. You project how you want to be treated onto someone else and then you assume they would be appreciative of it.
This is a great way to be a citizen of the world and is a winning strategy that works well if that person is NOT a narcissist.
If they are a narcissist, why would they want what you want?
They don’t think like you do.
They don’t feel things the way you do.
They don’t see things the way you see it.
They won’t understand why you are acting the way you are.
They want power over you, not fairness.
They are terrified of you actually understanding them.
They are disagreeable by nature.
How To Recognize If You Are Projecting Onto A Narcissist
It can be tricky to see whether you are acting on reasoning and sound judgment or if it is from a purely hopeful place. As humans, we are masters of tricking ourselves into action.
The first question would be *Is my partner a narcissist?*
Of course, this is not a fair question. How would you know? Even if you suspected this was the case… it takes time to get OK with that thought.
Compared to the rest of us, a narcissist is like a cyborg. They look, talk and move like a human, but they lack the key piece of humanity that makes them like everyone else. They’re another species.
Coming to the realization that the person you are dealing with is not human is tough on the psyche. One positive of this realization is that it clears up a lot of questions like, “Why did they react that way?” or “Can’t they see how that is hurting me?”
When you stop projecting humanity onto them you can see how they view you. We are not living breathing entities to them. We are objects to be used. You can’t hurt an object, and if you did, why would it matter? An object’s purpose is to be useful, not equal. I would never apologize, or care, if my lamp didn’t like something I said.
This is the way someone who has NPD views others → as things
Why Does Seeing Things Without *Projector Goggles* Hurt Less?
When you stop projecting the positive traits you hope to see onto the narcissist, you can stop taking their insults and actions personally.
Remember, they don’t see you as a person. They do not have the emotional capacity to see you as anything other than a useful tool. This is why they have a discard phase is every relationship. No matter the type of relationship it is, if you run out of usefulness, they will discard you.
When you can see it this way you get a bit of your control back. Instead of worrying so much about why they do, see, think, or feel how they do, you instead begin to think those things for yourself.
The questions turn inward:
Why does she do that? → Why do I care?
Why does he act like that? → Why am I allowing it?
Why can’t he see? → Why am I still here?
It shifts the energy back in your direction.
IT SUCKS AT FIRST
Big time! It truly stinks to have to refocus that energy and put it somewhere new. Most people feel like an idiot for a long time. I know I said that to myself many times. “Why did I put up with that!?”
It gets better the more you allow yourself to focus on you and your healing.
It will feel weird.
It will feel selfish.
It will be awkward.
You will falter sometimes.
You will feel confused and like you are starting at ground zero.
It will get easier the more you do it.
It’s a new habit.
Creating a new habit takes time. It took time to create the old one and you need time for the better one to take hold.
There is also a grief process involved. Grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had and the one you hoped for is necessary. The trick is to let yourself feel sad and mad about it and know that, even though you are grieving, you are still worth more than what you are currently getting.
It’s the equivalent of taking a lap or getting a breather.
Like dessert after Thanksgiving dinner, sometimes you just have to take a walk around the block to make space for it. Then you get your sweet treat at the end of it.
