Relationship Math: Sunk Costs /ROI = Why?
The relationship equation that keeps us stuck in dysfunction.
I know it’s wrong… but I LOVE it and I can change it!! Photo by George Becker from Pexels
We make plans + perform an action = get the result
There are all kinds of daily activities that can broken down into simple math. It’s the way the world works…But sometimes we’re bad at math.
When it comes to relationships, we often factor in the Sunk Costs into our reasoning for staying in bad situations. These are the feelings and actions (and sometimes literal money) that we invest in another person.
But why do they hold so much weight?
What Are Sunk Costs In A Relationship?
Sunk Costs = Investments we can’t take back.
In a relationship this could be:
having kids
time
effort
love
money
businesses
pets
house
vehicles
relationships with family
couple friendships
giving up a job
working through previous hard times
sexual history
memories
These are all things that have gone into your relationship already and you can’t take them back and say oops never mind. They happened and they are forever in the relationship bank account.
These are the actions that we willingly gave in order to reach our desired outcome within the relationship. When that relationship is abusive, these can be held onto with a grip that could break bones. They morph from being actions we gave -> reasons we can’t leave.
The Limbic System and Decision Making
What it ends up doing is strangling us. It cuts off the oxygen to our reasoning center in our brains and we feel the weight of those choices in our Limbic System.
The Limbic System is the part of our brains that manages our behaviors and emotions. Think of your whole brain as a man with a hat on.
Photo by furkanfdemir from Pexels
The man is your Limbic system and the hat is the reasoning center (the Pre-Frontal Cortex (PFC) where higher-level decision making is done).
When you have trauma, abuse or a strong emotional event happen, your hat flaps off the top of your head and you are stuck only using the man.
Let’s go swim around in the mess. Photo by Nadezhda Moryak from Pexels
This is what happens during the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses. The 4 Fs in trauma. (of course they are f words)
The 4 Fs are like a storm brewing in your system and it’s hard to re-attach that hat back onto your head and begin thinking clearly again.
The PFC is where you can calculate the ROI.
What Is Relationship ROI?
(ROI) Return On Investment = A performance measure used to evaluate the efficiency or profitability of an investment.
That was Investopedia’s definition. In Layman’s terms, it means What did you get out of it?
This is where the difficulty lies. How are you supposed to use math when your reasoning center is offline? It’s like trying to drive without directions. You can go somewhere for sure.. but will it be where you intended to go?
If the ROI is less than the costs, why do it anymore?
The Reasons Many People Stay in Dysfunctional Relationships
Fear
Loneliness
Kids
Health
Religion
Location
Obligation
Trauma Bonds
Ignorance (As in uneducated about toxic and abusive dynamics. It has nothing to do with being smart or not)
Betrayal blindness
The sunk costs are used as justifications for staying. They become a drop down list of the things that may one day lead to the prize. Is that reality?
In reality, what is it truly costing you to stay?
When you put your effort and energy into A, you don’t have it to put into B. This means, if you place your effort into a dysfunctional relationship then you don’t have it to put into a healthy one.
You are robbing yourself of that possibility. There is only so much of you to go around. It isn’t possible to do it all at the same time. Attempting to is the equation for burnout.
All of your effort x infinity directions= Burnout
If you could objectively take a look at what it is costing you to remain in a toxic relationship, what would the answer be? Is it worth the life you are living?
What Can You Do About It?
The next question would be… What would you need to do for it to be different?
Not what someone else would need to change, but what you can realistically act on.
This is the basis of asking these kinds of questions to begin with. To get to this point and be able to create an action plan for yourself.
