Phrases People Say To Themselves When They Are Still Stuck In Toxic Relationship Cycles
Sometimes the worst relationship you have is with yourself.
Where can you go when you don’t know who to turn to? Photo by Dziana Hasanbekava
This may be the most difficult part about coaching. When you hear these sorts of phrases and you know that your client is about to make a decision that takes them backward in their journey.
And there is nothing you can do about it because it’s their life to live. It’s their decision to make.
But that doesn’t feel any less frustrating. Most of us got into coaching or counseling because we wanted to be of assistance. Whether we came to it through our own experiences or we were born with an innate helper gene doesn’t matter. That warm feeling you get when you have made a positive difference in the world is like nothing else. On the flip side, the icy feeling that travels down your spine when you can see a “car crash” about to happen, is the counter to that warmth. These phrases are that pending car crash.
Well…
Anything that begins with well… is more than likely going to be a justification.
Swimming in the well water. This is what people do before defending a bad action from themselves or someone else that they know is not a valid reason. They just don’t want to know it.
Well… he says he’s going to therapy.
Well… I only had one.
Well… he had a bad childhood.
Well… I know I promised but it would be so good for ____.
Well… I just love her so much.
Well… she needs me.
Well… I told him to make the right choice. He knows what I was thinking.
Well… I can change him.
Well… I was going to but ____ came up.
You get the drift. The well is followed up by the excuse.
There are some exceptions to the well water cycle. If someone follows up with Well… I changed my mind. Or Well… I didn’t feel like it anymore. That is valid. Those aren’t excuses. They stay in reality and aren’t defending anything.
This time…
Like with well, this time is a precursor to many defensive stances. I like to think of them as the hopeful excuses. This is part of the cognitive dissonance pattern.
Cognitive dissonance is when you lie to yourself.
This is done to make an intolerable situation tolerable. Our brains only want us to live from one moment to the next. It is not concerned about our happiness, it just wants to make sure we can get through this moment in time. It will twist things around so we can do that.
It can turn a situation that is hopeless into hopeful by saying this time…
This time… I’ll allow it, but never again.
This time… You can get a pass, but if I ever catch you again we’re done!
This time… he said will try.
This time… she knows how I feel about it.
This time… will be different.
This time is only ever different if boundaries have been set up and you know how to enforce them. This time will only go your way if you are willing to act on those boundaries. If you can go through with the consequences if and when your boundaries are not respected.
If you aren’t willing to take action when things aren’t happening, then you are gambling with this time.
A gamble is not being in control of your future. Hope has a place in everyone’s life. It comes after all other methods have been exhausted and you are not yet ready to give up. Before giving up, you only have hope to fall back on. But hope is not something to use if you still have a say in the outcome. If you have things you can still do, take action and do them. Don’t rely on hope to get you through relationship issues if you still have options.
This is the difference between being a participant or a bystander in your life.
Thought Lines and *The Gist* Of It
Sometimes is isn’t the line that is said, it’s the overall meaning instead. The gist or the essence of the thought.
The same as with the above phrases, the pattern is pre-justification. They know they are about to make a decision that they may regret, but can’t help themselves from doing it. So they qualify it beforehand.
Do They Know They Are Doing It?
Yes and No.
They know that feeling in their gut that screams Watch Out. They know they have the need to talk about it. They know they are questioning something. At the same time, they don’t know how to stop doing it. They don’t know how to turn that old habit of justifying into a new habit of stopping and listening.
They don’t know it yet.
Sometimes falling backwards is necessary to get over a plateau in recovery. It is a part of growing pains. The key is to eventually recognize what has happened and come back to reality to make different decisions in the future.
Decisions that move you forward in the direction you want to be going.
