What Is Third Person Stalking In A Narcissistic Relationship
This happens everyday but it gets overlooked by most people.
A narcissist will recruit others to help stalk you. Photo by Craig Whitehead
Narcissists are notorious for stalking. They become obsessed with the object of their attention and want to possess it in an unhealthy, all-consuming way.
It doesn’t matter what the thing is that they are obsessed with, they will take it to the extreme. This could be gambling, drinking, sex, working out, lying, spending money, hobbies, overworking, cheating, gaming, binging/purging, adrenaline activities like sky diving or racing cars, porn, on and on and on… to infinity.
They can turn the most benign activity into an addictive substance. They may call it a passion project, but what they should call it is an addiction. The drugs they are high on come from their own brains. They are fueled by pleasure and will do anything to feel it.
If that thing is you, be very careful. Depending on the kind of abilities they possess, they will employ secret and not-so-secret tactics to stalk and harass you.
One of those ways is by using other people to keep tabs on you.
What Is Third Person Stalking?
If you have read up on narcissism then you have likely heard the term Flying Monkey.
A Flying Monkey is someone who is used to doing the dirty work on behalf of the narcissist. Sometimes they are narcissists themselves. Sometimes they are innocent bystanders. All of them are causing you stress and pain whether they mean to or not.
When a narcissist is obsessed with the thought of owning you, they will deploy these Flying Monkeys. The narcissist is like the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz movie who sits in her castle and manipulates others to do her dirty work.
The monkeys terrorize Dorothy and her friends and are an ever-threatening presence they fear will return. They are walking on eggshells.
There are many forms of stalking that are deceptive. If the actions happened as a one-off, there would be nothing to it. It is only when the instances line up, or are in conjunction with other activities, that the stalking aspect becomes clear.
You’ll see what I mean below in the examples.
Minions are used to by the narcissist. They deploy them to haunt you. Photo by Elina Volkova
Examples of Third Person Stalking
Not all stalking is direct. Some of it is meant to create the atmosphere that they can find out about you and what you are up to at all times. You get the clear picture that they can keep an eye on you from afar.
Most likely, there are many ways that you are being stalked that you don’t know about. Cyber stalking, looking through mail, tapping phones, logging into emails and social media accounts, GPS tagging, spyware on devices, etc…
It doesn’t matter if you know about it or not. It is still stalking.
Here are some examples of what this can look like in everyday life:
1-Calling police for welfare checks
They can use the police as a way to keep tabs on you because they will call back and report their findings after the check has been done.
2- Telling neighbors to stop by to check on you
If you find that a neighbor is stopping by unannounced or without a good reason, then they may be on an information-gathering mission from the narcissist.
3- Having friends call to see how you are doing
If a friend of yours (or theirs) is calling you out of the blue and seems to have specific questions, they could be being manipulated by your “caring” narcissist.
4- Asking a coworker driving by to see if your car is in the driveway
They don’t get out of the car. You may never know they were there. You simply see another car move past your home, but the narcissist gets the report from the coworker.
5- Gossiping with people who know you and know what is going on in your life
This is a good way to find out information without ever having to be in your vicinity or see you at all. If they can speak to someone who has new information, they can keep up with your current affairs.
This is often how new partners or new homes are found out about.
6- Having others look at your social media
If they are worried about you seeing their social info pop up on your feed, they often recruit from the people already in your circle to do this act for them.
7- Calling in-laws and other family members
Using family members to manipulate is common. They can send messages, sleuth, or plant stories to the people closest to you this way.
8- Asking employees at your local establishments for information about you
If you have a favorite coffee shop or bakery that they know you frequent. They may attempt to gather intel on you by going there and asking about you.
9- Having someone else call you to see if you are picking up your phone
If you are blocking their calls/texts or simply haven’t answered one or more for whatever reason, they will want to know why. They will have someone else call you to see if the non-answer is just for them.
10- Using a private detective to follow you
If the narcissist wants to hire someone to keep track of your whereabouts and activities they can go the legal route and hire a professional. The pro is going to do the stalking for them better than they could since it’s their job.
Many of these activities (on their own) could have a plausible explanation of being necessary, benign, or even well-intended. If you put a few of them together, you get a much darker image.
Victims Of Abuse Sometimes Do These Activities As Well
This can be a tricky thing to come to terms with because the victims of narcissistic abuse are not doing it for the same purpose… But they still often do it.
This is because of the trauma bonding dynamic and the need to manage pain caused by the abuse.
When you have been abused by a narcissist, your brain is in a fog. The world is out of order and you are desperately trying to make sense of everything.
Some people hire PIs to gather evidence of an affair or addiction to use in a divorce. This is not the same sort of activity as stalking. There may be a fine line, but there is a line. The line is the harm that is intended. When a victim stalks, it is not meant to intimidate, hurt, or oppress the narcissist.
People often ask if they are the narcissist during this time.
Narcissistic relationships create codependency and addiction in its victims. They get addicted to hormones produced during the hot/cold cycle and that is a hard habit to break. It is a true withdrawal state. A detox is necessary.
Stalking behaviors from a victim often happen during the initial detox phase.
This is because the chemicals in your brain are getting hyper-activated. They are not in equilibrium and have been conditioned that the narcissist is the only thing that can make you produce them. The brain wants its fix.
Dopamine
Serotonin
Endorphins
Oxytocin
These are the chemicals that have hijacked the brain and need a reset.
The good news is, that once these balance out, the stalking behaviors should disappear. If they don’t, that is a separate issue that will need to be addressed.
What Can You Do About Third-Person Stalking?
Fortunately, you have many options available to you.
Don’t keep it secret
The first thing you must do is to speak to the people who have access to you and inform them of the situation.
It is ok to tell others your expectations for their conduct regarding the narcissist. If you want them to tell the narcissist a certain line like, “I will not be speaking to you about _____.” That is ok to ask of them.
Whether they do what you’ve asked or not is up to them. They could say either yes or no. Then you must decide whether they are a good person to put your trust in for the time being.
It happens that cut-offs and narrowing your inner circle need to occur during times when you are actively being stalked. (Not isolating. More discerning who is safe and who isn’t.)
Document everything
The more you have, the more you have to refer to if you should ever need it.
Documenting is a great way to make connections. Memories fade and things that don’t stand out on their own can show up as a pattern in the documentation.
For example: Having a neighbor come by to check on you once is not a big deal. But, having the neighbor come by on the 5th of every month is a pattern and is a big deal. How would you have seen it without the facts lining up in the documentation?
If you ever need to go to the police for safety, having a journal with a timeline and description of events will be the only way you can be effective in getting support. Authorities can’t go off of gut feelings, they need something tangible to grab onto.
Security cameras are another good way to document. If you can show a court the footage of people driving by, ringing the doorbell, or someone looking in your windows you will have a stronger case. If all of these people can be tied to the narcissist, then you have more than speculation and circumstantial evidence.
Set a firm boundary and follow up on the consequence
A boundary is only going to be good for you if you are willing to hold the line when they attempt to cross it.
This could mean:
calling the police
informing work, friends, or family of the events
filing for a restraining order
blocking on social media
blocking on phones
limiting communication (minimal or no contact)
leaving the relationship
reporting to HR (if this is a coworker)
The type of relationship doesn’t matter. Whether the narcissist is a sibling, boss, parent, child, or partner… the consequence must be something you can actually do and be ok with.
This is a scary dynamic that happens a lot in narcissistic relationships. If you find yourself being stalked please don’t keep it a secret.
Your well-being is worth more than protecting someone else who is OK with violating your safety.
