Have you ever had someone say this to you?

“No one can hurt you. You can only allow yourself to feel hurt.”

This is what a narcissistic individual will think of your pain. It’s not their fault that you chose to be hurt by their actions. Why would they apologize or feel bad? You are doing it to yourself.

They truly don’t get it.

That is the pitiful part. They don’t get it. On a basic level, they are ignorant of how ridiculous their reasoning is.

But Only When It Happens To You

For some reason, they can get it when it happens to them because that’s different.

Obviously.

When it happens to them, it is because you did it to them out of malice. You wanted them to be hurt, so their feelings are justified. When they did it to you, it wasn’t about you -> but somehow you are making it about you.

Yet another unforgivable sin because that takes away from them.

There is no concept of shared attention, either they have it or they don’t. 100%. If you have it, it is because you took theirs.

Quit taking the attention. Stop trying to make them feel bad.

That’s the way to be in this relationship.

This Is The Reason Their “Logic” Is Frustrating

Guess what?

They are right as much as they are wrong. For a few reasons.

It wasn’t about you

Indeed, they weren’t thinking of and considering you in their interactions. Whether it was through cheating, stealing, using, or any other way… it wasn’t about you. It was about getting their needs met.

This is not for every case because some narcissistic individuals will certainly act out in revenge and hurt you on purpose to make you feel as bad as they do.

This is to describe the other instances. The ones in which they don’t even have you on their mental radar. If their brains were one of those screens in an airport control tower, you wouldn’t even “blip” on it. You are undetectable because you don’t exist at that moment. Why would they consider you if you don’t exist?

Out of sight, out of mind.

You do get to decide whether to be hurt or not

At the end of the day, this is a true statement.

If you were a non-feeling robot this would be wonderful advice. But you aren’t. You have emotions and when someone does something hurtful = it hurts!

The sentiment that you are supposed to be in full control of your hurt feelings when they have stomped on your boundary doesn’t mean a thing in the moment.

Later on, you can get there. Once the crisis levels have subsided and you have calmed down, you may get to a place where you can decide whether to keep feeling hurt or not, but that takes time.

They are shaming you and attempting to make you feel bad about having a normal human response to a hurtful event. In their mind, since you weren’t considered during the event, you shouldn’t be considered now in the aftermath.

They feel like you agreed to it

A narcissist will view your “choice” to be hurt as pointless because, in their estimation, you have already given them permission to act this way. They believe that when you didn’t walk away the moment you found out, you decided to stay and put up with it.

They can’t be blamed when you choose to stay and effectively tell them you are good to go. They really do think this way.

The narcissistic defense system inside of them constructs this line of thinking to provide an excuse as to why this is your problem, not theirs. It can’t be theirs. That would feel terrible and shameful. To avoid that feeling it must be your fault. It has to be. There is no other option.

The nanosecond that another option infiltrates their mind (that they could be wrong), their narcissistic force field shoots up and prevents this thought from latching on. Like the Starship Enterprise. Your phasers (emotions) can’t touch them.

Blast away all you want with your reasons for why you feel hurt. They aren’t accepting it. They can’t.

This is where the choice does come in. If you now know that they must never hear your reasons and they will make it your fault… What do you do?

Will you choose to stay in that space for another moment?

Their Logic May Be Flawed, But It Does Lead To One Logical Conclusion

If you are going to remain in this relationship you have to form Radical Acceptance.

They will continue to be who they are.

You won’t though. You will change. Walking on eggshells, constant stress, the extreme ups and downs, the failed attempts to be seen and heard. All of these things take a toll. Each toll adds up to the big picture.

If you don’t completely accept the fact that you cannot make a narcissist see the light, then you are signing up for a lifetime of futility.

It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is. It could be your boss, grandmother, child, wife, brother or MIL. If you cannot go No Contact then they have access to you. If they have access to you then Radical Acceptance is the only thing that will minimize the amount of pain they can inflict because it protects you.

So don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you are at fault for the chaos they spread. Feelings are what they are.

Good luck.