4 Commonly Overlooked Red Flags That Are Romanticized in Relationships
Rose colored glasses.
Have you ever heard that term?
That when you’re in love you view the world through rose colored glasses.
How are you supposed to recognize a red flag when the world is already rose colored. Everything looks pink. Red doesn’t look so red under that filter. It just looks like another flag.
A lot of times the red flags feel like the beginning stages of love. The emotions run high and they happen fast and before you know it you’re caught up in the excitement of it all. That is usually the first flag that gets overlooked…the speed.
That’s why the term love bombing exists. It comes at you hard and fast like a heat-seeking missile and you get enveloped in the blast.
When you’re looking for love and connection, it’s not hard to see why this is overlooked. Who wants to question something that feels so good? When something makes us FEEL good, it becomes very easy to search for reasons why it must BE good. Which is not always the case.
All of us are great at finding the rationale to do the things we want to do, whether we should or not. This is one of the reasons why problematic relationship behaviors are so easy to romanticize. We want the fairytale to be true. To get that relationship win we’ve been looking for.
Why Do We Fail To See These Red Flags In Relationships?
This sort of thinking pattern is usually set up in childhood. Parents can’t get everything right all the time. Some people have good parents, some have good enough parents and some have bad ones. No matter the kind you had, being able to fill in those parenting gaps yourself as an adult is part of maturing. We re-parent ourselves all the time.
While having strong boundaries is a big part of that process, being able to recognize relationship red flags is essential as well. You can’t protect yourself against something you’re not even aware of.
Here are some of the behaviors to look out for:
Being too independent
If your partner isn’t sharing with you in their struggles, decision making, or ever asking for help when they need it, are you really that close? A relationship is a partnership. It’s meant to be both giving and taking in balance. Intimacy is created by sharing both the good and the bad things.
Asking for help when you truly need it is not a weakness. If you have a partner that views it as weakness, then what will that mean when you need help with something? Will they see you as weak?
Anything that is done “too” much is not healthy.
Jealousy
We have all felt a hint of jealousy here and there, but jealousy as a feature part of a relationship is not a good sign. It can be mistaken for intense love, passion or caring. What it really is: distrust, control, anxiety.
If you trust your partner, would you care if someone flirted with them? Would you feel the need to control the outcome of the situation? Would you feel anxious about what they would do? Maybe every once in a while.
When it becomes a regular part of the couple dynamic, this behavior should be taken seriously.
Butterflies
I read in a meme that butterflies are all the common sense flying out of your gut. Intense emotions are hard to put into words. Butterflies can be from many things, but they are most commonly associated with the rush of hormones that flood the nervous system when we feel pleasure.
If a person is doing that to you, it’s easy to mistake the “high” for love. Love bombing is a technique that manipulators use to get you into this rush of hormones and your body begins to associate that rush with the person. The result is like an addiction. You want to feel the rush → that person gives you the rush → you want to be around the person more → The cycle continues.
It’s difficult to think when this is happening. It puts you into euphoria, and when it’s over you feel the comedown HARD. You have depleted your hormone reserves and burned out your pleasure receptors. You wait for the time when you can get another hit of your drug → the person who gave you the butterflies.
Being mysterious
Like with being too independent, being mysterious is a buffer against intimacy. If a romantic interest wants to remain mysterious it is usually for a good reason. Either they are 1. Playing games and this relationship is going to be about manipulation and power dynamics 2. Not that interested in you or 3. Keeping a secret they know you wouldn’t approve of.
No matter which one it is, it doesn’t promote closeness and honesty. If you want to be with someone then communication, comprehension and openness are important. These aren’t present with mystery.
What To Do If You Find Yourself In a Relationship That Has These Features
If you are looking back on your relationship and notice that either your partner is displaying one or more of these signs ask yourself why. WHY?
Why are they acting this way? Why am I allowing them to treat me like this? Why do I find it attractive?
Then move on to the what. WHAT?
What about this feels familiar? What am I going to do about it? What is the outcome I am looking for here? What is my next move?
If you can answer a few of these you’ll then be able to plan out the how. HOW.
How do I get what I truly want? How to I find out what it is I want? How will I feel when I figure this out?
The HOW is the goal. This will lead you to your goals romantic or otherwise. It will help you to build those boundaries that keep you safe and away from these relationship red flags.
