The Covert Tactics Used To Accomplish Parental Alienation (and why it’s so damaging to your kids)
During divorces or in parenting situations where the adults don’t agree, a child can get caught in the middle of the struggle. Learn some of the ways kids are covertly turned against a parent.
Parental alienation syndrome is a highly debated topic. Some believe it exists while others would argue it doesn’t.
No matter where you land on either side of this matter, I think we can all agree that using children as pawns is not a good thing.
What Happens to a Child When a Loving Parental Bond is Degraded
When a child’s bond is unnaturally broken with a healthy parent, the child suffers in the short and long term.
In the short term, they lose access to the love and support that a parent provides.
In the long term, they have a core wound that will follow them into their adult life and relationships.
Not only will this affect the child, but it also affects their partners and children and so on down the line. It becomes a generational legacy.
Or it can if they don’t get into either therapy or coaching and do the self-healing work needed to reparent those wounds.
It does this by creating an attachment trauma.
I personally don’t think giving a diagnosis to what is happening is necessary. Diagnoses in the DSM (the handbook for diagnosing mental health disorders) can change over time and they are debated with every revision. But…the phenomena remain.
Take off the word syndrome from the back end and you still have what is happening -> the parental alienation. One parent is being detached from their child through the actions of another parent.
That is the part that is most important anyway. That part alone gives you the path forward because it describes what is happening. If you know what’s going on, you have a chance at reverting its course.
Sometimes alienation can be confused with estrangement but they are very different in how they come about. Both are an impairment to the parental bond and both are unnatural to normal human development.
The Tactics Used To Break a Parental Bond
Contrary to belief, the tactics used to alienate a parent are typically done slowly over time.
We see on talk shows like Dr. Phil, parents that are trash talking their co-parent or outright telling the child that their mom or dad is trash and they don’t love the kid. That does happen, but it’s not the only way.
The more subtle ways really get into the psyche of the child and turn them against their other parent by creating a bond of animosity between the disordered parent and the child.
I say disordered parent because actual personality disorders are common to the type of person that uses parental alienation to groom a child, but even without a formal diagnosis of one, it takes a warped mind to want to break that bond and hurt their kid for selfish purposes.
Technique #1 We’re just alike
This tactic is accomplished by having the child think they and their parent are basically the same person. It’s more of a precursor to the other techniques. It’s part of the grooming process that sets them up for the later negative messages.
This is about attaining the buy in of the child into the thought process that the child and the parent are so alike, that what happens to one must be happening to the other. Let’s say the Dad is the one trying to do the grooming. The dad will get his child to think they are living parallel lives, then when the mother is fighting with the dad, the child then correlates that to we are fighting with mom.
We are just alike, so if he is in a fight then I must be too. It takes that individuality away from the child and makes them a tiny replica of their disordered parent.
It doesn’t matter if the mother is actually fighting with the child or not, they feel like they are since the other parent is.
It’s an enmeshment of the child and the parent instead of two separate people co-existing.
This article by Karen Woodall explains is very well. She is a Psychotherapist who specializes in this research and has a lot of good information on her website.
Technique #2 If only they were a better person…
Once the parent gets the child enmeshed, they can then deploy this next tactic.
This is not done by directly insulting the other parent, instead, it’s done by planting a seed of doubt. A small praise is said, then a jab is inserted into the back end. Like a pin prick into a gel capsule. It doesn’t explode, it oozes out slowly. Those negative thoughts spill into their psyche, poisoning their thoughts and feelings about the target parent.
Here are some examples:
Your mom is amazing. I wish she would see me as amazing too…
Your dad has so many friends he spends time with, he’s very popular. I wonder why he doesn’t want to spend that time with his family…
Your mom makes great money, she just bought herself a new car. What did she buy you?
I see your dad has a new girlfriend. I wonder if that’s where he was during your last baseball game…
Do you see how these can wear away at the mind of a child?
They aren’t overtly negative but they do cast doubt on the target parent’s intentions. Combine that with the first tactic and a young kid doesn’t stand a chance.
Technique #3 If I had my way… but
This one can look like:
I want to be home so bad. I miss you so much but your dad asked for a divorce so I can’t live with you anymore.
I’d love to come to your soccer game son. Mom says this is her weekend though and I have to ask her permission even though I know you want me there too.
I would come to your birthday party but your dad didn’t invite me and I can’t just show up unannounced.
Do you remember the time I picked you up from school? That was awesome. I wish I could tomorrow but your mom has to say yes for us to spend time extra together.
This one is particularly nasty because it feeds off of the child’s wants.
More than anything children want to be loved and feel safe. This is especially true when it comes to their parents. Having a loving bond with both mom and dad is a primal need. Kids not cared for by their parents were vulnerable to predators.
When a child has a parent that is grooming them against their other parent, they can instinctively feel the unnatural dissolution of that primal bond. It creates confusion in them and they deal with it by a technique called splitting.
Splitting is when a person is seen as all good or all bad.
Babies do this kind of thinking, and people who are emotionally immature do as well. It is a trait you can find in those with BPD, NPD, anxiety, PTSD or depression. This is an extreme thinking pattern that doesn’t serve us well and leads to disordered thinking because it is avoiding rational thought. It fails to look at the whole picture of a person.
It is not a trait you want to promote or keep around for long term and if it is taught to a child to use as a weapon against the target parent, then the child also gets hurt in the process. There’s no growth in splitting, and once a child learns it, it will always be there on the back burner for them to use throughout their lives when things are stressful.
What to do if you suspect parental alienation is happening to your child
This is child abuse. It is damaging to the child. It hurts them for far longer than just in childhood. It can span generations. It teaches and promotes bad habits. It needs to be dealt with.
Children that are victims of this are groomed. They are not to blame for any of it no matter what they demonstrate. They would not be acting out if they were not being abused. Getting them into therapy is essential for their long term well being and psychological wellness. It can teach them to control outbursts, re-learn healthy thinking patterns and re-establish the bond between the parent/child as well as creating a safe boundary around the relationship with the disordered parent.
If you are the target parent, getting into a good therapy or life coaching program is a good idea as well. Doing both at the same time could be beneficial. One for the trauma, one for the focused growth. Both for support.
They will teach you boundaries and how to set limits and show support for your child and yourself and can help with managing the stress and anxiety that accompany being targeted by another parent this way.
If you are the target parent dealing with this issue and need support or someone to talk to, leave me a comment or reach out to me
