(For partners of addicts) What Is A Structured Separation For Addiction Recovery?
How do you go about one?
Marriage can be especially difficult when one partner is an addict. Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
If you are considering staying with a partner with an addiction issue, you need to protect yourself in the process. This is one way to achieve accountability and set yourself up for success.
It’s not easy to leave.
I recall that feeling all too well.
It doesn’t matter how badly you want to leave, actually leaving doesn’t feel like an option. People tell you to leave, they tell you that you are being an enabler, they tell you deserve better. You know in your heart you deserve more, you aren’t being forced to stay, and you should go right now…. But it doesn’t feel real. It is not an option that seems like will ever happen for you.
This is what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone that has an addiction or is abusive.
The gravity of the relationship is too strong. You may pull away a little, just to get sucked back in close.
Not Everyone Gets It
This concept is easy to explain to someone that has been through it. You don’t have to say much at all and you’ll be met validation and comfort, but to those that have never been through it (or haven’t acknowledged they have), you are met with resistance.
They just don’t get it! They cannot wrap their heads around how hard it is to leave your person.
The Reasons It Is Hard To Leave
The Theory of Betrayal Blindness
Co-dependency
Fear
Money
Children
Age
Health
Past history of abuse or addiction in your family
Isolation
Abandonment issues
Religion
Limited outside resources
All of these things make the perfect scenario for being unable to break away.
Betrayal Blindness explains what is happening inside those that are unable to accept the betrayal in their relationships. If you want more info on betrayal blindness read this article. It is focused on what children go through, but the concepts hold up for adults as well.
What Is a Structured Separation?
When you are considering either getting back with or leaving an addict, this is one way to get some answers you need to make an informed decision.
A structured separation is formulated to open transparency and provide the addict the opportunity to prove they are working toward recovery and want to heal the relationship.
It forces them to put their money where their mouth is by having strict parameters in place that they must be followed to allow the relationship to continue.
This is a process that should be done with a professional. A life coach, counselor, therapist, or someone that is a neutral party the specializes on working with addiction recovery is essential. A rehab group may conduct this process so each party has their own separate support as well as the combined couples counseling.
I cannot stress this enough. Do NOT try to do it on your own.
There are a lot of hard discussions and planned out tasks that go into this kind of arrangement and trying to do it on your own will be too hard to do. Set yourself up for success and use the resources out there that have a proven track record for this sort of thing.
List of Tasks
Disclosure Statement by the addict
Impact Statement by the partner
Polygraph testing
STD testing
Monitors/ testing: alcohol, drug, porn, bank account alerts, etc…
Signed agreement to the terms of the contract: length, what will happen, what is allowed…
Within these tasks, the partner will outline what they need in order to remain in the relationship. This includes demands like:
a commitment to a 12-step program
sponsors
support groups
drug testing
GPS or online activity monitoring
plan for relapse
what is/ is not allowed by either party
how long the contract will last
what will happen at the end of the contract
amounts/ times of check ins
living arrangements
monetary arrangements
childcare/ custody
dating/ sex
People who will be told of the arrangement
Who is/ is not allowed around (toxic family members, acting out partners, other addicts, etc…)
These things will all be laid out in the structured separation agreement and signed by both parties. You can put anything you need into it. The sole focus on the agreement is to answer any questions that may come up in the process so there is no gray area.
If you consider an item a NEED, put it in the contract!
Disclaimer * This is not a control document*
Its purpose is to be reparative functionally. It’s a growth tool to allow both people in the relationship the opportunity to come back together in an honest and healthy way. To repair what was damaged or to finally figure out if the damage was too big to recover from.
When addiction is tied into the bond between two people, there are a lot of shady areas. There needs to be a light shining on those secrets and lies to even have a chance of building a new relationship. If that doesn’t happen, the end result will be the same.
This agreement is that light.
