California Sober Isn’t Real!
This is a scam addicts often use to continue to abuse substances and keep their enablers fooled.
Can you beat drugs with drugs? Photo by Dominik Kempf on Unsplash
In the world of trauma coaching you run into addiction issues daily.
While most of my clients are dealing with codependency or love addiction problems, they are often brought to trauma coaching due to being in relationships with people suffering from either substance or process addictions.
Addiction is not a singular person issue. It touches the lives of everyone that comes into contact with that person as well. Many families are suffering from addiction, but the focus is placed on the addict instead of the family dynamic that gives the addiction a place to call home.
If only it was that easy.
If the fix was to heal the addict and then everything would be better, things would be so different. If only…
This leads to one of the ways that an addict will get around having to get truly sober.
What Is California Sober?
I heard this term for the first time on a podcast. I don’t recall which one and it was over a year ago now so it would be nearly impossible to look up. (my addiction may be podcasts. I listen to them every single day in carpool)
I have also heard it be called California Clean. The term is the concept of giving up hard drugs and alcohol for “softer” ones. For instance, giving up narcotics for magic mushrooms or cocaine for marijuana. Or alcohol for LSD. Marijuana is the most common one I hear about. This article about the dangers of using this technique is helpful.
When it comes to process addictions like gambling, sex, anorexia, exercise, etc… The California Sober version for these is either changing the way they do the activity or toning it down to lower levels. A person may stop lifting heavy weights for 3 hours a day but does yoga for 1 and now counts calories instead.
It’s a step down plan that lacks the final step.
There is no plan for true clean living in it. It is actually a plan for continuing to use. For continuing the addiction at an allegedly lower level or in a different way that is seemingly less destructive.
It is a setup for failure for everyone. Trying to find ways to continue to use is not the same as trying to find ways to get clean. The energy is being put into the wrong thing. It is destined to crash land.
Remember, I’m only referring to those with addictions. Using California Sober to live a moderation lifestyle is fine. That is no different than moderation on any other level.
Addiction is another monster altogether, it is a chronic disease that takes intention to manage. California Sober is playing with fire for someone who suffers from it.
Stall! Confuse! Delay!
California Sober can be a stage of getting clean. Before true sobriety happens, the runaround happens first.
There may be some cases out there where an addict goes to get help and is successful the first time around and never uses again for the rest of their life. I would guess that is the least likely scenario. I have personally never seen it happen but then again I work more with the family members and not the people with the addictions as often.
The NIH puts relapse statistics at 40–60% after going through a rehab program. Who knows what that stat is for people that try to do it on their own?
I see that as good news! That means there are 40–60% of people that don’t relapse. Which means if you are in the first category of having relapsed, this time didn’t work but the next time might. That’s a good probability to have.
When someone is not ready to get sober they will use any tactic they can to get continue to use.
The one I hear most often is this = It’s not my drug of choice.
And family members gobble this up like it makes sense!
I call it swimming in the well water. (I got this from a personal trainer who would say it about making excuses for working out and I love using it)
Well… he isn’t using meth.
Well… she didn’t black out.
Well.. she used to be homeless.
Well… he only watched 30 min of porn instead of 5 times today.
Well… she didn’t drive home intoxicated this time.
Well… he doesn’t get angry when he does this instead.
Well… she didn’t spend all the money in the bank account this time.
Can you see how hopeful those statements are? This is why families accept it. They are so desperate to get their loved one clean or not rock the boat, that they are willing to lie to themselves that this is a good idea.
This is self-brainwashing AND it makes complete sense.
If I have a child that is killing themselves fast by using hard drugs I would welcome them using only softer ones so they don’t die sooner. Or a husband that spends all day looking at porn or using prostitutes then goes to only using chat rooms once a day. Or a mother who drinks to excess but then goes lightly drunk and is able to attend parent teacher conferences or sports games.
These are all good things that have happened. They are better than they were before.
Better but not well.
The addicted loved one is still altering their mind. They are still using either a substance or activity. They are still living their life around their addiction. And so are the people in their lives.
What Can You Do About It?
If you are the one with an addiction using California Sober to reduce your usage, getting into a rehab program is the best thing you can do.
Don’t make it harder on yourself by prolonging suffering from an addiction. 12 step programs and the various Anonymous meetings are out there for you to take advantage of. Many of them are completely free and now you can find them online as well as in person.
For the family members, there are a few things you can do.
Begin using Radical Acceptance
Get help yourself: therapy, 12 step and groups for family members
Find a program to help you do a Structured Separation
Leave: you always have this option though it doesn’t feel like it at times
I Don’t Want To Leave It 100% Negative
I feel like Cali Sober can work for a small percentage of people who are ALSO working a program for sobriety, trauma healing or chemical dependency.
It could be a stepping stone for those who have the personality where they wade into waters slowly instead of jumping in head first.
But on its own it is not a solution. Using this approach alone will not lead to anywhere clean because it isn’t meant to. It is meant to keep you using in some manner indefinitely.
I am curious what others think of this approach.
Do you think it’s nonsense or a good solution to a problem?
