Well-Intentioned But Terrible Advice
Narcissistic abuse victims and those who love addicts get this ALL THE TIME from enablers.
Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak on Unsplash
Giving advice based on personal experience can be a blessing and a curse. I should know, I do it for a living. (Sort of)
That’s a bit misleading because I don’t actually give out advice. I’m simply the one who asks the uncomfortable, but obvious, questions that clients didn’t want to ask. Then together we come up with the ways they can answer them.
This particular topic was sparked by reading a Quora submission. A woman asked, “What should I do?” The dilemma: her daughter is going to rehab and her 5-year-old grandson needs somewhere to stay during the stint, but her current husband says no to having him in their home.
This is a huge deal with little to no extraneous information given, but there were hundreds of comments advising her to ditch the husband, take in the grandchild, and do whatever it takes to help her daughter with her addiction.
Hundreds.
That’s insane advice to give a stranger.
Immediately upon reading the initial request, my mind had 20 more questions for her.
how old are you?
can you physically take care of a 5-year-old?
is your home safe for a child?
can you financially afford it?
do you have a car to get him to school, daycare, etc…
is your husband a registered sex offender?
do you live in the same country?
where is the child’s father in this equation and why is he not getting him?
what’s the plan post-rehab? Is there any plan at all?
You get the idea. There are too many unknowns to even begin to answer her. Yet, she got hundreds of responses telling her what to do.
This sort of thing is a common phenomenon when you are dealing with abuse and addiction. Many people seem to know what you should do with your life and how you should conduct yourself. When it is coming from someone who is an enabler, you can bet they are going to give you enabling advice.
The Bad Advice Cloaked In Well-Intentions I Hear Of Most Often
Any of these can be fine when dealing with someone average, but when dealing with narcissistic abuse or addiction they can lead you straight into trouble.
Most of these are said in a blanket statement that encompasses everything and nothing all at once. Defining them is where the difference lies.
Remember The Golden Rule
This means: Do to others what you would have done to you.
It’s a beautiful sentiment that assumes reciprocity. It is a proactive way to go about being a good citizen of the world, but only when it is done with safety in mind. It is very easy to obliterate boundaries with this thought. At what point do you stop doing it for someone else?
A user will take what you are willingly giving with no end in sight. You will do for them until you are empty. Eventually, there is nothing left to fill your cup and you are discarded. They leave you depleted and worn out.
Without a boundary, the Golden Rule can be damaging to both parties in the long run.
Everyone Deserves A Second Chance
Do they?
Does everyone deserve a second chance? What will they do with it? Will they hurt you again with it? Will they finish the job they couldn’t the first time?
Many factors need to be addressed before another chance is given.
Some people break a boundary so tragically that they don’t deserve the chance to make amends. This is their plight to bear, not yours. There are dealbreakers in all relationships. If they have found yours then removing all future chances was the consequence of their actions.
It is not your fault if you need to preserve your health, safety, and sanity by refusing a second chance.
You Have To Accept The Good With The Bad
Why?
Also, do you have to accept all the bad? Where is the limit to the bad that must be tolerated?
Of course, there is a flip side to anything in life. Good and bad exist together to form an equilibrium. When the bad parts tip the scales heavily in one direction, it may be time to move on.
One thing that is true with narcissistic abuse in particular is that the good doesn’t have to be that good. It could even be neutral, but as long as it isn’t actively bad then it is put into the good category.
This is where the concept of Breadcrumbing comes in. In breadcrumbing, you are given a few morsels when you are starving. Raindrops in a desert.
After the initial Love Bomb phase has ended, they give out little bits of good here and there. Just enough to keep you wanting more. Things like a kind word or an act as small as taking out their own trash can feel like a huge deal when you have gotten used to the ugly.
Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Well… this blood is septic.
And not all blood is compatible. My kids have two different blood types. One of them can’t give to the other. That may be medically correct and not at all how the trope is meant to be taken, but you get my drift.
The blood bonds that tie two people together are not a noose. They don’t get to strangle you with it simply because you were born into the same lineage.
And how does that work in marriages? Hopefully, you aren’t blood-related to your spouse. If a blood relative needs help, does your spouse’s wishes matter less than the needs of that relative because you share blood? A marriage is a partnership but one of the partners is not blood related. Where does blood factor into the decision-making process that the couple is making together?
It gets tricky.
Love Unconditionally
Conditions = Boundaries
I have never been a fan of love without conditions. Loving someone can be easily confused with enabling them. If you don’t have a firm grasp on the differences between the two then your love could be what is hurting them more.
It also begs the question, why should the love be in person? You can love people from a distance. You can love them and still let them deal with the consequences of the actions they choose.
You can also love them but hate what they do simultaneously. They aren’t entities that live in separate worlds. You can also love them yet still leave them because it hurts you too much to stick around.
Lastly, you can choose not to love them anymore. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Safety could require the love bond to be broken.
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
Ok but what does your brain say? And your body? And your morals?
The heart is not the final decision-maker of your ecosystem. It has a part to play, not the whole shebang. The heart sometimes wants something terrible for us.
What would you give up for your heart? Would give up:
your self-respect
your health
your home
your kids
your reputation
your career
your character
your future
Following your heart blindly leaves you vulnerable to pain that could easily be avoided if you had incorporated your entire being into the decision-making process.
How Do You Know If It’s Well-Intentioned Bad Advice?
Ask more questions!
Sit still in the moment and act later. Any decision worth making (usually) takes time to make. If it requires you to act first and think later, it may not be in your best interest.
Emotions run fast and hard but they do die down. Give yourself a moment to process the advice given to you. Mull it over in your mind and see what parts are in accordance with your values, wants, and needs.
Thoughts and feelings need balance.
The human body was made to constantly seek homeostasis.
Things not in line with that balance feel wrong and we are punished for it. We are punished by increased stress levels, hormone imbalances, and a dysregulated nervous system.
If advice will lead you down to path to any of these then there is something amiss in it.
When you get advice ask yourself this question → Will this move me toward the future I want?
Not the future you are praying for if that other person changes. If nothing about the other person ever changes, will this advice still get you to where you want to be?
If the answer is NO, then the advice may not be what you need. It may be what the other person needs to remain comfortable at your expense.
