5 Reasons Narcissistic Abuse Against Men Goes Unnoticed
The narcissistic playground is littered with men and women alike. Yet women get a pass a lot of times.
Photo by Julia Larson
In the world of trauma and abuse coaching, men are not commonly the client in the victim role. They don’t have as large a community to reach out to and don’t have as many resources focused toward them for their healing.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
“1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.”
So it makes sense that women would get more resources since the incidence of abuse is over double that of men.
But that number for men isn’t zero. Many men are victims as well.
There are narcissistic women out there.
Disclaimer* This is not a Pro Men argument. It’s a Pro Victim one. All victims deserve support regardless of who they are.
Abused Men Need Support Too
It isn’t weak or pitiful to need help. I find that the men I coach think this way more than women do. If you are a man that has been through emotional and psychological abuse from the woman in your life, reach out to someone for support. I have referred men out to male coaches if they could not tolerate being coached by a female.
Some men have been so hurt by women that they can only tolerate another male voice to soothe them. While other men need to finally hear a female being kind to them. Whatever works works. It is how it is. No one can tell you how to do it right.
There are more than 5 reasons why the issue of men being abused is pushed to the side, but here are the 5 that I have encountered most frequently with clients and in the community.
1-Recognition That It Was Abuse
When I was in a divorce support group, the administrator told us stories of his own divorce and what made him begin running the sessions. We had many elements of our lives and divorces that were identical.
One day I asked him how he coped with the abuse his ex-wife (who had been diagnosed with a Cluster B personality disorder) had inflicted and he simply looked at me silent and stunned.
Eyes wide. Mouth slack. Swallowing a sudden lump in his throat.
Although he could articulate that what I had gone through was abuse, it never once occurred to him that he went through abuse as well.
He stammered through a few sentences before he said, “I suppose I never considered that before.”
There were a few men in that group. At least two others would have qualified for the same thing. We were all married to versions of the same person in different skin.
But since I was a female and they were males, they could only see it for me… until that day.
I felt bad for them. The reality of what you have lived through is a hard one to face. It sucks the breath out of you even if it has been years since it ended.
2-Feeling Emasculated By The Thought Of Abuse By A Female Partner
There is a stigma to men being the one who is abused by their partner, if that partner is a female.
“You let a woman do that to you?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You can’t handle your woman?”
“Grow some balls.”
Or similar things are said.
If they had been abused by another man it wouldn’t be thought of the same.
There is a difference between a strong female and an abusive female. You can be strong and still be kind. A narcissistic individual will use manipulative strategies to wear you down and create confusion, brain fog and nervous system disruption through drip fed abusive tactics. It doesn’t matter the gender, what happens to their target is the same.
3-Running Into Traditional Gender Roles And Thoughts On Abuse
Historically, men are perceived as the strong protector and provider. Women are seen on the softer side and more nurturing.
Along those lines, abuse to men is not automatically thought of. At least not coming from women. This pattern of thinking is not fair.
Abusers abuse. They are like snipers.
Breathe. Relax. Aim. Squeeze.
Down goes their target.
Traditional roles are evolving, but the acceptable traditional behaviors are staying the same. A woman tends to get labeled as crazy or dramatic, instead of as abusive. A man gets labeled as weak instead as being an abuse victim.
Hopefully, the Depp/Heard trial will open up the discussion on that a bit more.
4-Being Raised In A Chaotic, Abusive Environment
While some of the abuse perpetrated on men is from a romantic partner, there is also a good amount done by a parent figure.
Mother Enmeshment in Men is also known as Covert Sexual Abuse. The abuse of this type is sexual in nature but lacks the physical sexual contact.
Men in this dynamic are put in the place that a romantic sexual partner would normally be for their mother. They fulfill all of the partner role aspects, except for sex.
This doesn’t matter to the child in this situation. Whether it is physical or not, they are in a role that is not meant for them. An adult role that doesn’t allow them to separate from their mother and become their own person. They remain tethered in a childish way and can’t figure out how to cut the umbilical cord.
They are stalled in their emotional development and are more willing to accept unacceptable behavior from any future partner they have. They end up looking to their partner to mother them and are not in an equal standing relationship.
Some men turn narcissistic themselves, while others end up codependent and become susceptible to a narcissistic partner.
5-Not Talking About The Abuse With Anyone
It’s hard enough for women to talk about abuse. It’s even harder for a man to discuss it with anyone.
The special kind of abuse that a narcissist inflicts is not something that can be understood with words alone. It is something that must be lived to be fully understood.
I was discussing this topic a few weeks ago with a friend who has cancer. I can feel for her. I can understand theoretically what she is going through, but I have never had it so I can’t truly get it. Not on the visceral level that she feels it.
Those of us who have been through this type of abuse are the only ones who can get those particular bits that are not explainable. During sessions, my clients don’t have to try hard to explain it to me. They can give a look, or breathe a certain way when discussing a topic and I know what they are attempting to convey because I felt it too at one point.
Words often fail us. At times, silence and understanding can do more to heal than words.
Men Need Other Men To Heal And Grow
Women are amazing and can do many things, but we can’t show men how to be men. Just like men can’t show us how to be women. We aren’t meant to do it all. Humans are pack animals. We burn out trying to do and be everything.
I’m not talking about men being dominant. Men need good men to show them how to be healthy in this world. The “It takes a village” analogy. A good village.
Is this where the disconnect lies?
When a man has been narcissistically abused, if there isn’t a good male role model to guide them toward healthy boundaries and relationships, they’re almost doomed to repeat their dysfunctional cycles. Often, they find an unhealthy man to teach them even more dysfunction. To teach them how to harden their hearts and minds to love and connection.
It may be a good way to wall off pain, but it isn’t a good way to promote healing.
Just like women get into relationships with the same man in different bodies, men do the same thing with the women in their lives. Then they have children and create a new generation of dysfunction. The legacy continues.
They can’t do better because they don’t know how to. There needs to be someone to show them how.
This may be a call to action for the good men of the world. You have a brotherhood of abused men who need you to show them love and support so they can break free from toxicity.
If you are a man in an abusive relationship. Don’t stay silent. Reach out for help. There are many good men out there.
You matter too.
I know this can be a controversial thought because abuse against women is still a big topic that needs more attention. Things like this can seem like men are going to get the attention again and push women’s issues to the side. I feel ALL abuse needs to be brought forward. All of it needs to go to the front of the line so more resources become available for everyone.
The less hurt people we have walking around in the world, the more healthy the planet gets as a whole. There’s enough healing to go around.
