They Can’t “Unbecome” A Narcissist
You’ll never be able to love them out of being who they are.
What can you do to help the person you love get better?
Can you find the right therapist? Will you show them what unconditional love feels like? Are you making their life easier with acts of service?
These are the kinds of questions that many of us have asked ourselves while in toxic and abusive relationships. We want to love. We want to be helpful. We want to demonstrate how much we care. We want to make an impact and finally reap the reward of all our hard work.
If that person is a narcissist, you can do everything under the sun to “help” them and it will never be enough. You can’t unring a bell and you can’t un-narcissist a person. Some things are the way they are.
Even The Narcissist Cannot Un-Narcissize Themselves
Once they have settled into this arena they are there for good.
While some may argue that narcissism can be cured, that cure has yet to be found. At the moment a cure is a prospect, not the current reality. When it is found, it will most likely be by the people who are researching it and treating it on a daily basis. Not by the rest of us.
We are the public who are simply dealing with the nonsense and trying our best to avoid being subjected to the narcissist’s games and manipulations.
If you have found the cure -> GO PUBLIC AND SLAP YOUR NAME ON THE METHOD RIGHT NOW!! You’re about to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least have your name in all the Psychology books.
While the narcissist cannot stop being a narcissist, they can get treatment and work on the way their disorder affects the world around them. The name of the game is symptom management and behavior modification. They will still be a narcissist in their core, but they won’t be wreaking (as much) havoc on the outside world.
Admittedly, it is a bleak picture. This is why many people who love a narcissist have a hard time accepting it for what it is. If they accept that narcissism is the issue, then they have to accept that:
Their loved one is not going to get better
No matter what they have done in the past, it has been a waste of time
Their future actions must be modified dramatically for any change to happen
The hope they held onto is now gone
That they have no control over another person’s outcome
These are all hard things to wrap a mind around. It’s a helpless spot to be in. It often takes a monumental amount of self-work and time to get to the point of acceptance for these.
The One And Only Thing That Works With Narcissists
The only thing you can do is to take 3 steps back.
3 Steps Back
This idea came from the library when my oldest son was a 4 year old. During the summer reading series, the local library system would have authors, artists, and performers do weekly exhibitions to engage the youth in the community.
One of the performers that year was a Herpetologist. He brought 10 snakes with him to teach the kids snake safety.
His #1 tip was -> If you see a snake. Take 3 steps backward.
His reasoning -> A snake can’t bite you if you aren’t close enough to get bit.
This reasoning works well for narcissists as well. What better animal to compare them to than a snake? There are many different kinds of snakes just like there are many different types of narcissists. Even non-venomous snakes can be harmful and deadly in the right circumstances. A boa constrictor can cut off your air supply and slowly choke the life out of you. A rat snake bite can cause an infection or allergic reaction.
One thing is for sure, if the snake can’t get to you, you don’t have much to worry about. The kind of snake doesn’t matter and whether it’s venomous or not will be irrelevant.
No Contact Rule
This is what the 3 Steps Back idea is in everyday life.
No Contact is exactly as it sounds- > You do not have any contact with them. This includes hearing about them from others, sharing access to accounts with them, seeing them through social media, etc…
As far back and as much space as possible is the best option for your safety.
If you do No Contact properly, you will eventually get to a point where their ghost doesn’t haunt you. You know they exist, but that existence doesn’t register in your nervous system. They morph into a benign presence.
That’s the goal. No Contact is meant to give you distance so you can stop doing the same bad habits that keep you stuck in a loop. It rids the lands of the plague. It’s kind of like a cleanse. It prepares your environment for something new. Good soil produces good fruit.
Continued Attempts To Change Them Will Continue To Fail
If it was going to work it would have worked already.
This taps into the issue of controlling the outcome. This is where HOPE exists. The hope is that one day something will click and they will “get it”. Hope is the flag on that goalpost that keeps moving every time you get close to it. The hope is that they will choose to do better for you (or your kids).
Many who love narcissists are helpers. At least they started that way, but narcissistic abuse changes you and eventually helping takes a left turn into enabling.
Enabling is when helping has gone off the deep end and is no longer serving its purpose. Instead of assisting toward the future, it is assisting in keeping things floating. Nothing is moving forward but it’s also not sinking. It’s perpetual energy used to stay in place.
It’s a survival mode strategy. Yes, it keeps things alive for another moment, but it’s not a happy life. It’s a life in which you are constantly having to enable to maintain a semblance of good enough. Except it’s not good enough… It’s slowly killing you.
When you get to the point where you let go of that last line of hope gripped in your fist, you’ll finally climb out of the hole you’ve been stuck in.
Coming to terms with the fact that they won’t “unbecome” is what will free you at long last.
