The Simplest Way To Understand A Trauma Bond

It’s a difficult concept to explain. Here’s a quick way to define it.

Have you ever heard of the term trauma bond? I’m assuming you have because you clicked on this post.

There are a lot of misconceptions about what a trauma bond is and what happens to create one. Many people incorrectly use the term when they have a link with another person who went through a similar circumstance. That’s a battle buddy or support person, but it isn’t a trauma bond.

A trauma bond is between a victim and their abuser. It’s a pain connection that keeps them stuck in a loop, replaying old patterns and creating new dysfunctional ones. It is a symptom of abuse. It doesn’t happen without it.

The fastest way to understand it is to think of it from the viewpoint of the abuser. To create a trauma bond they must do double duty in your life. They must simultaneously be both the perpetrator of the trauma and the person who saves you from it.

When trying to understand a trauma bond remember this sentence. They do it from this angle -> Let me save you from the pain I caused you.

The Fast Switch From Pain To Pleasure Is Necessary

Speed and intensity are the tools an abuser uses to build a strong trauma bond. Ironically, this is the opposite of what creates healthy bonds.

Slowing down and staying in a tolerable window are the foundation of strong, healthy relationships. This is why narcissists and other abusers like to go fast.

Faster than the speed of light.

You can’t see what they are doing because light hasn’t caught up to it yet. You are still in the dark. This is why hindsight is where you begin to notice what happened to you. Afterward, when you have left and there’s been enough time for their games to be illuminated, you begin to open your mind to what you went through. For many, it becomes clear that you can no longer deny what happened around you all along.

Abusive games and trauma bonds are formed in the dark.

Not only does it keep you unaware of reality, but it also throws you off balance. Imagine trying to maintain your footing in a tornado. How are you supposed to do it when everything is spinning? They want you to get caught up in the whirlwind and not know which way is up so they can confuse you and get you “hooked” onto them.

This is why many people described their romance as a whirlwind or that they were swept off their feet by it. Metaphorically, they were. (But in the worst way possible.)

The Perpetrator Must Become the Savior

And then the perpetrator again. This is how the cycle gets set up.

Someone who is an abuser doesn’t do something one time and then never does it again. That’s the difference. Anyone can do something that is considered abusive as a one-off. We all have our shitty moments. An abusive person does it repeatedly and feels entitled to continue doing it. If they don’t do the same exact action, they do another abusive one. It doesn’t have to be a replicated scenario-> the abuse is what gets repeated.

A phrase I hate to hear is, “No one can make you feel anything. You are in control of yourself.” or “You allowed yourself to feel hurt.”

It is both true and untrue at the same time.

Yes, ultimately, we are the master of our domain and have the ability to control our thoughts, actions, and emotions, AND AT THE SAME TIME, when someone victimizes you, you are entitled to feel hurt by it. Those thoughts make sense for the situation. It’s ok to choose to feel betrayed, injured, in pain, or however you want by someone else’s actions.

Especially if they did those actions with the intention of harming you.

Phrases like those are BS that manipulators say to avoid accountability. Don’t listen to them.

Trauma Bonds Are Scar Tissue

If you have any scars, you know that the tissue doesn’t move the same way as it did before the injury occurred. It looks different, it feels different, it’s less pliant and more fragile.

This is the difference between a healthy attachment and an unhealthy one.

Instead of being simple, genuine, and normal, there is something different about it. It is still an attachment for sure, but it isn’t one the way nature intended.

We aren’t meant to be abused. We aren’t meant to be committed to and stay in touch with those who harm us. None of what happens in these relationships is normal.

When things are abnormal, our bodies fight it.

Finding The Middle Ground

Equilibrium is a great word for what the body is striving to achieve at all times. This means that your body wants things to be balanced.

The kind of stress that forms a trauma bond is extreme. Your body must go to the opposite end of that extreme to counter it. Think about what must be happening inside of you. You are at war with those extremes at all times. Your system is constantly engaged. There is no downtime.

No wonder it’s exhausting.

Instead of being in a neutral zone where comfort lives. You are being pulled from one end to the other as your body fights to find a middle ground that it can live with. Your thoughts, emotions, memories, hormones, digestion, heart rate, blood pressure, etc… all of these things are in a tug of war.

This is how addictions form. Who wouldn’t want the discomfort and pain to go away when you are always living on the far edges of what you can tolerate?

That’s basically what a trauma bond is-> It’s an addiction to the cycle. Your body gets “hooked” onto this swinging between pleasure and pain and can’t settle down. It leaves you always looking to find relief. The relief that only your abuser can provide you now.

This is why people stay in situations they don’t want to be in. This is why it’s not so simple to just leave. This is why understanding the concept of trauma bonds is important and finding help is even more important.

Trauma bonds are hard to break alone.