The Compliment/Insult Technique Used By the Victim Narcissist

They don’t insult the way you would expect.

Victim Narcissist. Covert Narcissist. Communal Narcissist. Grandiose Narcissist. So on and so on. There seems to be an ever-growing list of styles.

On the surface, titles do matter because they describe what flavors of narcissism you will be presented with. Like ice cream, the base ingredients are the same, but the elements that create the various types have some importance.

When it comes to narcissism, there are so many ways in which people categorize them. When you dig down to the core, the descriptive term is important but what matters the most is educating yourself on what they are and what you can do to keep yourself safe.

They are not good for anyone, including themselves.

This common technique is used by the Victim type of narcissist to fish for compliments for themselves under the guise of complimenting you first.

You would expect a narcissist to insult you but instead, they insult themselves so they can sit in the victim role. Because → victims need rescuers. That’s where you come in.

Using A Compliment As a Lure

We’ve all experienced this. You are speaking to someone and you end up telling them things like, “No. Don’t say that. You are _____.” or “You got this. You’re so hard on yourself.”

Maybe they said they weren’t smart or pretty enough or stated, “I could never…” for something they could obviously do.

What started as a flattering remark made toward you, ends with the narcissist getting the attention, time, and caring given back to them. You are a long-forgotten well wish.

They do this by setting up the scene with praise.

I say compliment, but many times it’s the ramped-up-on-steroids version of a compliment that happens. → Flattery.

Compliments are real. Flattery is fake.

• Compliment = You did a good job.

• Flattery = You did the best job ever. No one has ever done a more amazing job than this!

Flattery often feels great the first time you experience it with someone, but after a while, you get the picture that they are disingenuous. No one can be the best most stupefyingly breathtaking person that ever lived in every situation.

Flattery is easy enough to deflect on its own. We can feel the difference between the two concepts.

This use of flattery is what preps the table for the narcissist’s ultimate goal. They want praise as well. But no one was offering it, so they needed to manufacture it.

An Example of the compliment/insult combo:

The narcissist: “You’ve been working out I can tell. You look so great. I wish I could look like you but I never will. My big gut and flabby arms will never look as good as yours. I’ve been working out too and I just can’t seem to look halfway decent.”

You: “Don’t say that about yourself. I can tell you’ve been working out hard. You look good.”

Do you see how they faked interest in your deeds so they could trick you into praising them?

It Was Never Going To Be About You For Long

Typically, when you are given a compliment, the person giving it is putting the focus on whatever it is they have noticed about you.

You are elevated in some way and it feels good. Who doesn’t like to feel good?

Narcissists have mastered The Art Of Utility. No matter what is happening, they will figure out a way to use it to get what they need. This easily applies to complimenting you. If there is any way for them to turn the attention back onto themselves, they will find it.

With this technique, that is the intention all along. The compliment was like a car driving you to the final destination. It circled back to the narcissist.

The Utter Irony Of The Technique

Their unhealthy need for validation is met through unhealthy avenues.

I would guess that most people who fall for this trick are kind and caring and would have given the narcissist whatever support they were craving if they had been honest from the get-go.

Why else would the narcissist target them? They wouldn’t go after someone who they think won’t give them the affirmation they seek. They go after people for a reason.

Narcissists are data mining geniuses and they know who they can use their tricks on and how they will be the most effective. They don’t have to be smart, they just know.

If you find yourself repeatedly having to console or prop up someone after they have complimented you, be on alert, they may be using this on you.