Does It Matter If You Attract Narcissists Or Other Toxic Personality Types?
Is there such a thing as a narcissist magnet? Do you find yourself surrounded by manipulative people? Are you doomed to be in toxic relationships?
I don’t think I’ve ever had a single coaching client who has come out of an abusive relationship and hasn’t asked some form of this question.
Why do I attract people that want to use me?
It’s such a sad thing to hear someone say. The pain in their voices is so thick you can feel it, taste it. I know it’s coming, because it always does, but you never quite get used to it.
Have you ever asked that question?
I know I did. It’s more than a simple question, it’s an existential gut wrenching feeling you have about your meaning in the world and what the future holds.
So What’s The Answer? Am I A Magnet for Narcissists?
YES. Yes you are. The same as any other person on the planet is. We are all magnets for them.
Narcissists need people. That’s the entirety of it. They need the attention people can provide them. So if you are a person, they need you and will go after you to get what they need.
Many people wonder if their partner is a narcissist.
To me, the question of whether or not someone is a magnet is the wrong one to ask. The better one is → Why do I allow narcissists in my space?
When you ask yourself this question, ask it in an inquisitive way, not a shaming way. It’s never anyone’s fault that a manipulator tried to trick them. People that are users will try their best to use anyone they can.
That being said, not everyone allows a user to stay in their orbit. Turning the magnifying glass on yourself is a good habit for any person to have. Understanding our own motivations helps us to make the decisions that are in our best interests. It’s protective. If you can answer why you allow things you wish you hadn’t, you’ll be able to make different decisions the next time.
So while it may seem like they are more attracted to you than others, it’s not because they come after you more often than others, it’s because you don’t push them away as vigorously as they do. Good news! That can be learned.
The Common Reasons People Are “Narcissist Magnets”
There are a few things that are pretty common amongst those that get repeatedly used by manipulators. These may not be the easiest to read. Try to keep an open mind about it and remember that many are learned childhood behaviors that can be unlearned in adulthood. Having any of these DOES NOT make you less of a person. I went through a growth phase for almost all of these and while it was hard to hear a therapist tell these to me, it ultimately led to a completely different way of living now. One free from narcissists and users.
1.High Empathy
I’m not sure what I think yet about the term Empath. Like with the term narcissist, it can mean different things to different people. I do like where the thought process is leading to as far as someone feeling they are an Empath. It provides a wonderful opportunity for self-discovery and understanding the core beliefs fueling their daily actions.
One thing narcissists don’t seem to have is a healthy form of empathy. They’re like companies that need to outsource what they themselves cannot provide. This is why someone with a high amount of empathy is so enticing to them. They can get the supply they need from them without ever having to do the hard work of learning to supply it to themselves.
It’s a transactional process. A business deal. No intimate emotions involved.
Once the highly empathic person is sucked dry of resources, or the narcissist has a need for a different kind of supply, they move on to the next target.
They will attempt do this to everyone. It’s not something you had a say in. If this has happened to you, you are one of a million people it happened to as well. You’re in good company.
If you are highly empathic it makes sense a narcissist would be attractive. They are a bottomless pit of want and need and it pulls at your heart strings to see someone in pain. They’re like puppies with a wounded leg. Limping around looking pitiful. It makes you want to take care of them.
2.Ignorance of narcissism
For the majority of people, the reason they are more susceptible to being sucked in by someone that is highly narcissistic is ignorance. Like the way babies are ignorant. They haven’t had the education or time on Earth yet to know what to look out for or how to defend themselves. They are going to do it fine one day, they just need time to get there. The same thing goes for many of us. We need education and time to practice better habits, then we will get there too.
How are you supposed to avoid a danger you didn’t know existed?
I wish narcissism, boundaries and abuse education was part of the normal school curriculum. Narcissism itself is a normal childhood developmental stage. Kids are supposed to go through a few different phases of it so they can branch off from their parents and go out into the world independently. Having a baseline education on it would help a lot of teachers, parents, and kids understand why they are acting up at certain stages of their lives.
When this lasts into adulthood and maintains as a core aspect of their personality is when it becomes troublesome.
Narcissism is a group of traits that clump together to make someone difficult and selfish. We all have moments of narcissism. That will come and go depending on circumstances, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a different monster altogether.
NPD is the pervasive dysfunctional pattern that is across every aspect of the person’s life. There is no getting away from it, it infiltrates any and all circumstances of their lives. Home, work, friends, relationships, parenting… Everything is affected by it. It is a diagnosed mental health condition.
When someone is called a narcissist, it’s more likely they are the first type. NPD is not commonly diagnosed but is thought to be around 0.5–5% of the US population. The numbers are bound to be much higher in reality since you can’t get a diagnosis unless you are evaluated specifically for a personality disorder.
And we know that those with NPD are not likely to think something is wrong with them, so why would they need to be evaluated?
Many times the red flags that happen early on in dating get missed, not because they are not seen, but because it’s become part of the dating culture and taught that they should be romanticized. Learning about them is a good way to avoid getting sucked into that trap.
3.Past Trauma
CPTSD, ACOA, DV, SA, and co-dependency are a few of the things that leave you open to being tricked by a user.
CPTSD- Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
ACOA — Adult Child of Alcoholics
DV- Domestic Violence
SA- Sexual Assault
All of these are traumatic experiences that rewire your nervous system. When someone that is abusive or manipulative comes across a person that has these in their history they are very happy about it.
Trauma stays within your body and if you grew up in that sort of environment it can make it feel normal to you. Things that would be big red flags to someone else, may seem like a slightly orange one to a person that has been through trauma.
Trauma tricks up into accepting the unacceptable. Our brains have one job and one job only → to keep us alive. It is not worried about keeping us happy, or stable. It wants to make sure we get through the next few moments without perishing.
When we have been exposed to traumatic situations, in order to survive, excuses have to be made to turn the thing we are experiencing into something tolerable. This is one example of cognitive dissonance. We convince ourselves to change the hurtful thing into something else so we can make it through it. It’s a maladaptive habit that is used repeatedly and becomes automatic. We don’t know we are doing it!
Can you see how this sort of practice would leave you open to being manipulated?
4.(BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder
Oftentimes, a person with BPD is snared by a highly narcissistic person through love bombing.
Someone with BPD is the perfect target for the narcissist because of the emotional instability that is part of the disorder. They can be victimized more easily because one of the prevalent symptoms of BPD is the extreme want for the perfect love.
Love bombing and intermittent reinforcement will work amazingly well on someone that is trying to forgive and trying to find reasons to stay and be in love. It is the perfect recipe for a chaotic, dramatic, intense relationship. It’s like a natural disaster of sorts. An active volcano that explodes, destroying the land around it, then settling down, tricking the villagers below into feeling safe and then it explodes again.
5.Hard Worker
Personally, this was the hardest one for me to accept about myself. I have always thought that with enough hard work I could accomplish anything. I was never more wrong.
This is a concept that is drilled into us at a young age, and I still like it. However, I know now that it doesn’t apply in every situation. There are times when persevering will simply lead to more pain and abuse.
I saw a meme once that said “Holding on can cause more pain than letting go.” It showed the image of a hand that was grabbing a rope. The rope was wrapped around the hand making it red and sore, but when the hand let go it healed and returned back to normal.
I think of this when I debate with myself on whether to continue with what I am doing or to let it go. Not just in situations with people, but with all things now. Work, hobbies, activities, errands.
Not all losses are losses is something my therapist once told me.
If you gave it what you had to give and it wasn’t enough then you have nothing to be ashamed of. You tried the best you could. That is commendable. After letting go, take inventory of what happened and if there is anything you would change in the future and feel good about the effort you gave to it.
I find the never give up attitude is a type of control. Most of the time it is an attempt to control the pain that is happening in the relationship. We don’t want to hurt and we don’t want the person we are dealing with to hurt either. If we can do enough and try hard enough then we can keep the pain at bay all around and get that happy ending we are wanting!
It never works because the person we are dealing with does not want it to work. There is no power in that. The power lies in keeping the relationship dysfunctional. It’s a losing battle not worth fighting.
What Can I Do About It?
Those are just 5 of the reasons why a narcissist can get away with a lot of their BS. I’m always looking for more ways to learn about, so if you can think of any please do tell me. Knowledge is the most powerful weapon you have in the fight to live drama free.
The number one thing you can do about it is to learn as much as possible about yourself. Mindfulness, self-reflection, inner peace, whatever you want to call it… All of it is the practice of asking yourself WHY.
Why do you make the decisions you make?
Giving ourselves an honest opinion of our own motivations is not always possible. This is what therapy and life coaching is for. These things allow you to take a bit of your troubles and tell someone else to hold it for you for a little while so you can take a deep breath. It also provides that outside perspective that we cannot supply to ourselves.
If we can understand the things that internally motivate us, we can then be more in control of our actions. It syncs the rational brain up to our emotional one so they are working together.
Once we get more in touch with our true intentions and feelings, the hard work of setting boundaries can happen. But until we know ourselves a bit better, it is hard to know what we truly want or don’t want in our lives.
