“Is my partner a narcissist?” And other questions we get caught up on when dealing with difficult relationships.

This is one of the big ones, one of the top 5 questions I get from clients. It makes a lot of sense to ask it. With the way narcissism is prominent on social media and in our everyday lives, it can be difficult to tell if we are facing one or if our partner is just not acting right.

When trying to understand what is happening in a relationship fraught with emotional abuse and infidelity, it’s easy to get caught up in fact finding missions to get the answers we crave.

Just like when we go to a doctor to get a diagnosis to make a plan for health, it makes sense to want to know what is going on with our loved one so we can know what to do and where to begin.

Unfortunately no one can diagnose a third party sight unseen. And as a life coach, I can’t diagnose anyone at all. You need specific training, tests and medical licenses to be able to do that.

A diagnosis would be for the most extreme and prevalent form of narcissism. NPD= Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s their core. Who they are as a person all of the time, over different situations and across their lifespan.

With the exception of dementia, TBI or some other brain disorder, people don’t develop it one day having never demonstrated it before.

Narcissism itself is not a diagnosable disorder. It’s simply a set of traits. Traits that lean to the more selfish side of normal human behavior. Everyone has some narcissistic qualities. To have none would be just as abnormal as being high in it. On the spectrum of human behaviors, you want to stay more toward the center the majority of the time, but either end is part of that continuum.

I like to ask this one question pretty soon after someone asks me if their partner is a narcissist.

Why does it matter?

Why Does a Diagnosis Matter To You?

This is a question that seems so simple but is not so easy to answer truthfully.

Usually the first time I ask this question to a client I get a response that leads to something along these themes:

• Can they control it?

• Are they doing it on purpose?

• It is their fault?

They want to know WHY because they want to know if there’s something more they can do about it.

After asking it a few times over a few different sessions, and having some time to reflect, the answer changes to something more succinct. The responses narrow down to be less about their partner and more about them and their fears.

Then the themes change to:

• I feel helpless/hopeless.

• Is my relationship doomed?

• Will I ever get to be happy?

Once we can shift the focus of their efforts back onto themselves, the real work with life coaching can begin.

Anybody on the Planet is Susceptible to Being Duped by a Narcissist

Commonly, the type of person that usually gets into a long term relationship with one is going to be the kind to not quit easily . To keep trying to find a solution. To be a giver and want to help the narcissist.

They search out for this type so they can have a long term steady supply of attention. If they went for someone that gave up at the first sign of trouble they would be having to find someone new constantly. That’s a lot of effort. Too much effort most of the time.

So they look to find a person that will be willing to find reasons to stay. Someone to be empathetic to them.

This leads to a control issue on both sides.

The narcissist is looking to control their target. And the target is looking to control the narcissist. The motivations behind the control couldn’t be more different… AND it is control nonetheless.

What Are The Motivations for Control?

For the abuser/ the narcissist, the control is about power. Having the target do what they want them to do to meet their own needs.

For the target, the control is about not being abused. It’s about trying to mind read what the narcissist will want or how they will react so you can avoid negative consequences.

It’s a power struggle. This pdf of the Power and Control Wheel from the National Domestic Violence Hotline does a great job of illustrating this.

Does a Diagnosis Really Matter?

I believe it does not. What truly matters is the way you feel and what effect it’s having on you (and your children).

If you are stuck in toxicity:

• Does it matter if the person knows what is causing them to hurt you. Or does it matter that they stop doing it?

• Does it matter that they have a name for the reason why. Or does it matter is they acknowledge that something is happening that shouldn’t be and they quit it?

• Does it matter if they have a good reason to be angry? Or does it matter that they stop taking out that anger on you?

What matters is your safety and well-being. A diagnosis can’t provide that. A diagnosis gives a title to a pattern of behavior for someone else. It provides a label for insurance to bill to and in some scenarios it will lay out a path for less destruction for the abuser.

It doesn’t give you skills to protect yourself or put up boundaries so those bad behaviors aren’t getting near you anymore

A diagnosis would more likely be the death knell for the relationship. To date there is no cure or treatment that is effective for NPD.

If you have thought about this and wonder if you are in some kind of a relationship with a narcissist, check out some of my other posts on the subject.

• 4 Commonly Overlooked Red Flags That Are Romanticized in Relationships

• How To Make A Comfort Box With Your Kids To Help Soothe Anxiety And Teach Self Care Skills

• Feeding The Insatiable Hunger. {The real love story between givers and takers}

If you’re interested in trauma informed coaching specializing in narcissistic abuse or just need someone to talk to, reach out to me at info@cpresleycoaching.com