What if they get better for the next person after I leave?

This is probably one of the most asked questions I get from my narcissistic abuse coaching clients.

It’s a fair question that is so indicative of the hope that thrives and supports these types of relationships.

For many of us that were in a relationship like this, we spent a lot of time giving and trying to make someone else happy.

Begging and pleading for our partner to start reciprocating steady love and effort.

It’s normal to want that effort to not be in vain. We want to reap the rewards, Not have someone benefit from it.

The truth is simple

There is only one real answer to this question — -> They might…But they for sure aren’t doing it for you now.

Can you live with that?

That can be a painful truth to hear.

They most likely won’t change for someone else if they are truly narcissistic or abusive. The image of their new relationship that we see in public is a façade. Just like it was for us.

It may look nice and clean and happy but behind closed doors, there’s a mess that needs attention. There is always a chance that someone can grow and change, but they have to want it.

Why does it matter if they get better after we leave?

One big reason is because we don’t want to have someone else reap the rewards of our hard work.

We put so much time and effort into our person and it makes sense we would want to be there at the finish line.

It also hits us at the heart of our insecurities. Often we find ourselves asking → Why?

• Why wasn’t I enough?

• Why weren’t the kids enough?

• Why would they treat me this way?

• Why is the next person different?

• Why did they not care?

The whys are wounds that cut really deep.

And they all have the same answer = There was nothing you could do to make someone else want to change.

Have you ever heard of “idiot compassion”?

It has nothing to do with being dumb or a pushover.

This concept is when we give without regard to rationality. It’s usually done in excess, at the expense of ourselves.

It is most definitely done out of need.

The need to fix a problem or help someone when they are down. The need to make it all better because “I got this!”

This is what gets us into danger in narcissistic relationships. Anyone who is a taker, loves those of us that have idiot compassion.

We aren’t idiots, but we do have the tendency to do too much. And anything that crosses over the too boundary, is not healthy.

It was not a waste of time

Anything that helps up grow compassion and love is never a waste.

Even unbalanced, doing too much, idiot compassion was still done with the best of intentions. That helps us grow our character.

Our character is the internal driving force that guides our choices and actions.

Promoting helping others and spreading positivity in this world is going to serve us and others in the future.

That’s a beautiful thing when done with an equilibrium that is good for both us and others.

So don’t be too hard on yourself.

You tried your best.