What Does Radical Acceptance Mean When It Comes To Narcissistic Abuse
It’s the only way to remain in one of these types of relationships.
When I first heard the term narcissist it brought to mind a person who was selfish. A person who bragged a lot and thought about themselves as the best person they knew and above other people.
I don’t think that way at all now.
When I think of narcissism now, I think of NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s an entirely different animal from someone who has narcissistic tendencies.
Finding peace while still in a hurtful relationship is a hard thing to do. Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
Everyone Has Narcissistic Qualities… Sometimes
Narcissism is a set of traits that are self-serving. Which everyone on the planet has at some point in time. It comes and goes situationally.
NPD is a diagnosable personality disorder that is never-ending for the person who has it. It goes through every aspect of their life. It is who they are at their core.
The distinction is important because a person with NPD is that way for life. This is not going to change for them. When I write about narcissism or say narcissism, I am writing about someone with NPD.
While we cannot go around diagnosing people with a personality disorder, we can make the choice for ourselves to act differently from those that we suspect have one. Having an official diagnosis is not necessary to make this decision for ourselves. Often, it is not a reality anyway. To get a diagnosis, the person with the disorder has to seek out treatment and be willing to participate. Does that sound like something a narcissist is prone to do?
A person that is highly narcissistic wreaks havoc on the lives of people around them. Loved ones and other close relationships are the ones that typically get help for their issues first, not the other way around. They are dealing with the stress and negative impact that happens to their bodies from exposure to the special flavor of abuse that a narcissist can inflict.
And all of the work that is done around trauma and healing from the abuse from a narcissist boils down to two points:
Leave
Stay and figure out how to be as safe as possible with that choice.
There isn’t much else to do about it.
This is where Radical Acceptance comes into play.
What Is Radical Acceptance? (when it comes to narcissism)
When dealing with narcissism, Radical Acceptance is the act of being in full reality regarding the relationship you have with that individual.
This means no more making excuses, minimizing, hoping, or accepting behaviors that are unacceptable.
It is a hard thing to begin doing AND it is doable.
Once you figure out the balance, they rest falls in to place naturally. Photo by Daryl Baird on Unsplash
When you begin to take that step back from the fantasy world that narcissists live in, it takes a bit of time to get your feet under you. It is destabilizing to realize you were caught up in an alternate reality. Learning to be within the real world again is a process.
Dr Ramani is a well-known Psychologist whose studies focus on Narcissism. She made a great YouTube video on the topic of Radical Acceptance. It does a good job of explaining it in a way that is easily understood and shows how much strength and compassion are needed to undertake this process.
A narcissistic relationship requires that we live inside a make-believe land where the narcissist is equal to God. They are the things that the universe spins around. All roads lead back to them. When you are no longer staying in that world with them, you are going to feel the pull. It’s like a gravity that is hard to break away from.
I write about my own example of radical acceptance with a family member here.
Radical Acceptance looks like this
It Is Boring
It is not going to be an emotionally fulfilling relationship. The topics you choose to discuss with them will be almost business-like. The kids, daily tasks, bills, the weather, etc… The straight facts. Only what is necessary to get you through the scenario.
There won’t be long conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams, and wants. Those things are going to be found outside of this relationship. You will need to form bonds that supply connection needs in friendships, work, family, or activities.
The narcissist is not able to give them to you and asking them to is not fair to you or them. THEY DO NOT HAVE IT TO GIVE. Asking for something they cannot give you will set you up for disappointment and pain.
It Is A New Habit
The old way of responding is an old habit. The new way of acting will be the replacement habit that you use instead.
Trying to stop a bad habit without a replacement one is a lose-lose strategy. It makes it hard for no reason. To set yourself up for success, you must come up with a new way of doing things before you try it out. This way you have a go-to method and are in control of the process. You won’t be left to figure it out in the moment.
This is the way it is for cutting out any habit. If you want to quit smoking, stop binge eating, reduce cursing, spend less, or do any other activity, there needs to be something in its place to do instead.
Habits take time to solidify. Doing it once is a wonderful first step. You may trip up a few times (or even hundreds of times). Keep at it. You’ll get better over time.
It gets easier the more you do it.
Your System Settles Down
Once you decide to call a spade a spade (a narcissist a narcissist), it provides answers to a lot of questions that you didn’t know you were asking.
The questions like:
Why does he act this way?
Does she know it hurts me when she says that?
Why can’t she put herself in my shoes?
Can’t he tell I don’t like that?
When is it going to be my turn?
The main thing it does is it forces you to stop lying to yourself. Lying to yourself is called cognitive dissonance. This happens when reality doesn’t line up with what you are telling yourself. An easy example is: You tell yourself “I’m a good person” as you steal candy from a little kid. Those two things don’t line up. They can both be true separately, but not together.
When it comes to cognitive dissonance in a narcissistic relationship it will look like this:
“He loves me” — as he is cheating
“She wants what is best for me” — as she secretly opens up credit cards in your name and maxes them out
“He cares about me” — as he hits you
“I’m her daughter, she wouldn’t abandon me” — As she doesn’t show up for her weekend visit
Let’s rephrase some of the sentences above to make them truthful by turning them into questions we can ask ourselves.
Would he cheat on me if he loved me?
Would she open credit cards in my name if she wanted what was best for me?
Can he care about me as he hits me?
If she would not abandon me then where is she?
The test to know if two things can be true together is by using the word “AND”
If you can put the word AND in the middle of the two thoughts and they are both true then it isn’t a lie. But if you can’t then one of them is not true. That is where you must decide which one of them is the most likely.
I find choosing the actions over the words is the best way to go.
Actions are a language. We act our way into the life we have. If we want to get a job we go get one. If we want to drive to the grocery store we get in the car and go there. If we want to be happy we make decisions that work toward happiness.
If the narcissist in your life is acting one way but saying another then you have to go with the actions. The actions are what is real. They are what actually happened.
That is what must be accepted.
And when you can accept it your body reacts by calming down because you aren’t fighting your brain anymore. You aren’t fighting your gut, your instincts to not believe a lie. You are working with your entire nervous system instead of trying to combat it and you feel the ease.
How To Begin Using Radical Acceptance
It all starts with language
Language in trauma healing is essential. Changing the way we say things to ourselves is the difference between staying in reality or living in the narcissist’s fantasy world.
Try saying a few of these phrases to yourself:
I deserve to love myself
Self-care is not selfish
Abuse is abuse
I am worth more than this
My worth is set by me and not anyone else
Phrases like these bring the power back to you. It refocuses the energy that was put into wondering why you were not getting it from the narcissist and makes it something you can provide to yourself.
How you choose to love yourself is up to you now. You get to decide what you want. You get to control your destiny.
All by radically accepting that the narcissist cannot help you with it.
It’s a wonderful thing to be in control of yourself again.
