The Dark Side Of Codependency.
“This breakup can’t happen!”
We hear about codependency quite often in movies, tv, the news and every day life. It’s often joked about and said flippantly when describing a close relationship.
Real true codependency is no laughing matter.
It’s an unhealthy mix of need and emptiness and forever seeking comfort from the outside.
It’s toxic. To yourself and others.
Fortunately it isn’t something that is destined to stick around forever.
Codependency doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means there is a problem that needs a better solution.
Like most types of behavior, it can be altered. Recovery from codependency is achievable with help. Getting proper counseling or coaching can help tremendously with it.
A Quick Look at Codependency
Most of the people dealing with codependency that I know or coach are wonderful sweet people that are trying their hardest to love someone that is either an addict or abusive.
The only way to stay in a relationship and love someone in that situation is to follow them down a bad road. You are “CO”-existing in that space with them. This is the “CO” in codependency.
They are addicted to the actions, substances or control. And you are addicted to them. They are like the drug you need to feel better.
Both people in the relationship are co-addicted to each other. It’s a circle of need.
But What Can Happen When It Turns Dark?
Sometimes the thoughts and feelings of someone dealing with codependency can lead them to exhibit erratic and disturbing behaviors.
Typically this is during the end of a relationship of some sort. Mother- Child, Friend-Friend, Husband-Wife, etc… Any variation will do.
The person attempting to set boundaries, get space, or end the relationship is creating distance, and the codependent person is feeling panicked at the thought of it.
I personally believe that the dark form of codependency is a type of narcissism. (Though that is just my own thought on the matter.)
Whether it is a heightened trait or an all out personality disorder is up in the air for debate. But I would guess that someone that exhibits outright abusive behaviors when their codependency is triggered, is pretty high on the narcissistic scale.
Some of the behaviors you may see:
Stalking or other forms of surveillance like checking phones, GPS or cyber.
Heightened mood swings
Irrational arguments about why the relationship cannot end
Physical and/or sexual abuse or coercion
Suicide threats
Financial abuse
Isolation of their partner
Using children as pawns
Intimidation/ Ambient persuasion
Silent treatment/ Stonewalling
These sorts of behaviors are not common to the majority of people. But they are to an abuser.
What Can You Do To Protect Yourself?
If you find yourself on the losing end of this type of relationship there are many things you can do to keep yourself safe.
The first and most obvious is to get out of it
If you can get out, DO IT.
Many can’t or won’t for a variety of reasons. Financial, societal, medical, familial, fear, etc… Whatever the reason. You just can’t yet and maybe not ever.
Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t leave. But do be real with yourself on the reasons why you are staying.
Set up a safety network
If you are going to remain in the relationship, having a strong support system is imperative.
This will be the only way you can stay sane and find peace and community. We as people need others in our lives to be well rounded. Unfortunately, your partner cannot be that person for whatever reason, so finding it through activities, work, friends or family is necessary.
There needs to be a space where you can be authentically you without the fear of the consequences.
Build and hold strong boundaries
Creating a boundary may be new to you.
Having a boundary is like having a moat… and a drawbridge… and a heavy wood door… and one of those little sliding cutouts in the door where you say “what’s the password?”
People have to act right and get past all the deterrents to come into the castle walls.
Someone that is used to pushing your boundaries is basically throwing a grappling hook over the side wall and trying to break into your castle. Sometimes they take a battering ram to the front gate and try to smash through your defenses.
But they haven’t or won’t go through the steps it takes to get in the right way.
Boundary pushers push boundaries. It’s what they do. It really is that simple. So if you know they are going to be pushy, you must have strong boundaries in place to keep yourself safe.
What Can You Do If You Are The Abuser?
Often the abuser has some sort of recognition that what they are doing is not right. That recognition is usually in the form of obsessive thinking, stalking (in it’s many forms), and the ever building anger and resentment felt deep inside.
Give Space
The very first thing you do is give your partner (or ex partner) space.
Space is not just physical. Emotional, psychological, healing space is important as well.
If they are geographically far away from you but you are calling their phone or blowing up their social media or texting then there is no amount of physical distance that will matter.
And this includes calling their friends, family or neighbors to ask about them or check up on them.
Many times my ex would call neighbors to come to the door and find out what I was doing under the pretext that “he was worried about me.” The worry was only that I was not answering the phone for the 30 minutes I was in the shower. Or some other similar reason I couldn’t answer.
Once I even had the police show up to do a welfare check because our son’s weren’t answering his calls.
These are all violations of space and would be considered 3rd person stalking behaviors. 1st person would be if you went out yourself and followed or harassed your partner without the use of another individual.
Without space a partner will feel overwhelmed and smothered and will usually want to run from you. The running is not always by breaking up or leaving. The distance can be losing trust and love or feeling an increasing disconnection from your relationship.
Get Help
Healing from being abusive in any form is a hard battle to fight. I commend you for even admitting it or even beginning to contemplate whether this is you or not.
It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Getting help from a professional coach or therapist is nothing to be ashamed of. Having someone to walk with you through the pain of change and growth is a kindness you can do for yourself.
It isn’t selfish to want to do better in the future. Sometimes we need a little help getting ourselves there.
If we knew how to do it all by ourselves it would be done already.
If you need some help contact me at info@cpresleycoaching.com. I can guide you to some resources that will help you on that growth mindest path. There are so many coaches out there that specialize in this specific dynamic.
You deserve some happiness too.
