Is It Stalking?
In romantic relationships, it is easy to confuse stalking for extreme interest and love bombing.
Photo by Manh Nghiem on Unsplash
It would be shocking if you haven’t heard of stalking before. It’s something we hear about on the news or see on true crime television, and it can seem so far away. If you have ever had it happen to you then you know just how scary and frustrating it truly is.
The term can get a bit confusing, even though it seems straightforward. Stalking is more than harassment, though harassing behaviors make up the bulk of the activity involved.
Many forms of stalking are so normalized in everyday life that they aren’t labeled as harassment by those living through it.
They are seen more often as annoying or overbearing, but not harassing.
What Constitutes Stalking Behaviors?
It may surprise you which behaviors are stalking, that are done out in the open, yet are still confused for routine conduct. Some of these pop out as overt and obvious, but some don’t.
Constant texting or calling: I just love and miss you so much and think about you all the time.
Having people check up on you: Neighbors, friends, coworkers, etc.
GPS tracking: Find My phone app, AirTags, Life 360, Snapchat, devices hidden in wallets, purses or vehicles
Spyware on your electronics: Keystroke loggers or apps that store data.
Monitoring on social media: this can be done outright via direct messaging or it can done secretly by making phony accounts or having other people do it for them.
Calling the police: Welfare checks or making false claims to the police to get them to come by and put eyes on you.
Tracking through search history: Search engines have location enabling and when you search, it will show where you were when you used it. If your partner has access to your email account they can find your location through your search history. If you often Google things on your phone, and you have location enabled, anyone who has your login can track your whereabouts.
Someone willing to spy on you is also willing to lie to you about it. They may “have a good reason” for monitoring you and always needing contact, but that doesn’t make it true or OK.
Ambient Stalking
I made up this term because I wasn’t sure how else to word it.
This is the way I describe Coercive Control to people who are self-stalking for their abuser. Hear me out! It will make sense.
When you are in a relationship with someone who is controlling, you will do things to avoid negativity.
Instead of them having to call you and find out where you are, you will report your whereabouts to them.
You will send them messages to let them know what you are about to do and with whom.
You will allow them to take over the banking so they can watch every penny you spend.
You may let them clone your device or have the login info for your iCloud account so they can monitor your activities.
This is typically with a controlling romantic partner or with a parent.
I refer to it as ambient because it is in the air all the time. It is the cloud of control you live in. It’s your environment.
They began the process, but let you finish it by maintaining an atmosphere of negative anticipation. If you do not comply with what you know their wishes will be, you will be punished for it.
But it always leaves them with Plausible Deniability.
“I never told you that you had to tell me where you were.”
“I never said you’d get in trouble if you spent money without asking me first.”
“I never said you couldn’t go out with your friends.”
And while it may be legally true, they never uttered those words. It is also a lie, because you know they will make your life a living hell if you don’t do what they want.
Stalking In Relationships Often Begins With These Questions
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Who are you with?
Do you see how it can seem like a normal line of questioning?
Said the right way, questions like these can sound quite innocent. Add the words “Hey babe!” to the beginning of each one and it goes from sounding like an accusation -> to sounding inquisitive.
It’s not always overt. Someone could definitely ask those innocently. It is part of a typical relationship to want to know things about our partners, this is how it can creep up on someone. A small aspect of something average is twisted into something sinister over time.
That slow setup is what normalizes the next part.
The second part of the questioning is where the seeds of mistrust and doubt are planted.
Who are you with? — — Take a picture.
Where are you? — — Ping me your location.
What are you doing? — — Send me a selfie.
Again… not crazy yet. It’s subtle and could be a part of a typical healthy relationship. This is when most people begin to see the supervision in the inquiry.
But… at some point, it tips over into control. This part is not always identified immediately. You feel it long before it clicks in your mind for what it really is.
The feeling is that “something is off” or “walking on eggshells” happens steadily over time.
You begin to feel obligated to let them keep tabs on you, or you share your location all the time so they don’t have to worry about you. (Or so they can trust you will be where you say you will be.)
Often they will blame you for needing to be monitored. Many people are subjected to made-up accusations of cheating or incompetence so the stalking can be justified to them.
These kinds of things are not part of a normal healthy relationship. They are common practices after an incident such as cheating or lying but not par for the course for an average couple.
Attention: It is not stalking to monitor your partner’s activities in affair recovery. This is one of the basic steps in that process. A counselor will guide you through the program steps of recovering trust and one of the first steps is opening up all of your locations and devices to your partner.
This is a structured plan that is led by a professional. Stalking is not.
What Does Stalking Do To You?
The purpose of stalking is to let you know that you are reachable.
There is no peace. There is no place you can go where they cannot get to you. Stalking is menacing even if it is not always frightening.
It is easy to overlook the danger when you are trying to find ways to excuse their behaviors. It is abnormal to think of your partner as a stalker. Many people push back on this label because it is too difficult to accept the truth that this is what they are dealing with.
A label is not necessary.
If you are being subjected to control and are being monitored unfairly, then it doesn’t matter what term you apply to it. It’s not right.
What Can You Do About It?
The first thing to do is to recognize it for what it is. Just like with addiction, the first step is acknowledging you have a problem.
Stalking is not a benign characteristic that should be overlooked, but it often is. It is controlling and intimidating and can quickly escalate. The mental gymnastics that allows someone to stalk also allows them to cross other boundaries.
They feel like they have the right to do it.
It can be confused for caring or passion or even may seem innocent at first. It isn’t, but it can be easily confused for these.
If it is a loved one stalking you
Setting strong boundaries will be necessary.
The stalking is a symptom of their need to know and control. They are making their problem, your problem. You don’t have to accept their problem.
Learn the art of saying “No.”
Simple concept but hard to do. I know. I have been there. I was with my stalker for 20 years. It takes a ton of effort to say that one small word.
It will dramatically change your life.
If a stranger is stalking you
Go to the police!
Even if they cannot help you yet, with enough evidence and time they will be able to build a case, but it has to start somewhere.
Someone who is stranger stalking is not likely to go away on their own. It takes a special brand of bonkers to stalk someone who is not in your close circle. They are dangerous.
Good Luck!
