How Long Should You Wait To Introduce Your Kids To A New Romantic Partner?
Dating after divorce can have unique challenges when there are children involved. One of them is figuring out when is the right time to introduce someone new into their lives.
If you have never had to navigate dating when you have children it can be difficult to understand how big this question can be.
It’s not easy to compartmentalize your life into single and parent. You’re both all of the time, but the worlds aren’t always colliding.
When I began dating in my late 30s I had 2 kids to think about protecting from any stranger, that included the stranger I was seeing. That is basically what the other person is for a while… a stranger. (Unless you knew them prior)
That’s a scary concept. The person I am seeing is a complete stranger. If you met through a dating app, they are a stranger you met from cell phone signals or the internet.
I had no clue how to begin gauging this question so I asked a children’s therapist for advice. I don’t know if this is a researched-based answer or not, but in her professional opinion, it is best to wait until you have been in a 6 months monogamous relationship before you bring your children into the equation.
6 Months Minimum- But Why?
It takes a few months to get to know someone. Typically 3 months is the time it takes to get past the initial get to know you phase, back into reality and onto deeper connection. If you get past that 3 month mark, you get to know the real person you are seeing.
When it comes to someone who is trying to Love Bomb or manipulate you, this phase doesn’t usually last longer than 3 months. That’s a charade that is hard to keep up long term.
By the time 6 months have arrived, there is more information gathered and you can know if this is a person that will be a long-term romantic partner or if they are meant for the short-term.
Why Does Short Term or Long Term Make a Difference?
The difference is not as big a deal for us (the parents) as it is for the kids. Kids get attached to people in ways we don’t expect. If the divorce or separation is still fresh, they are grieving the loss of the family dynamics they knew before. Having another person come into that to fill a role that they feel is missing is not short-term or long term in their minds. They live more in the moment. In the moment they are forming attachments with those around them. This will include a parent’s new gf or bf.
Of course, this depends on the age of the child. An older child may not care too much because they have their own lives to live and are busy going out into the world separating from their parents. A small child will latch onto things that make them feel good. If an adult gives them attention and spends time with them in the way a parent figure would, they will begin to create a bond with that person.
That is why the difference between short and long-term is necessary to sus out.
If the relationship was never meant to be for long, then the child will have to go through the break up as well when it does end. For a young kid, going through the grief process again while still grieving from the loss of their family unit is rough.
More To Consider — Safety
Going back to the stranger danger from before, there is the element of the unknown about a new partner when you haven’t had time to see them in different situations.
Before the 6 month mark, there isn’t much time to go through events together. Only so much can happen in half a year and some people are very very tricky. We could be the most impressive super sleuths on the planet and there is always that one person who will be able to slip through our defenses because we’re only human.
Children are for the most part defenseless. I mean psychologically. It’s nature. They haven’t lived long enough yet to have experiences and build boundaries against predators. That’s why they need parents to raise them and protect them. They are vulnerable to being groomed and tricked into some pretty sketchy things.
Given this fact, it makes sense to wait until around 6 months to introduce someone into their lives so you have the time to size up the new person a bit more.
Kids as Buffers
When I am coaching a new client that has been single for a while I sometimes run into this issue. It’s something that is completely unknown to them. They seem to have no clue at all they are doing it.
Some will take their kids on the first few dates with them.
The reasons I’m usually given are:
They are young they won’t know what’s happening anyway.
The date needs to know my kid and me are a package deal.
I never go anywhere without them.
They are old enough to know what dating is.
Or something along those lines.
After some time coaching and getting to the root of the issue it has (so far) always come down to this one issue → They are scared of being alone or emotionally vulnerable and use their kid as a way to soothe anxiety with dating. It is a way to avoid emotional intimacy. The child is always there as a way to ward off having to get too close or a ready excuse to leave if things start to get close.
This has only happened so far with my clients who are single parents with one child, but it probably happens in other circumstances.
This is risky for not only the two reasons prior, but also because it breeds co-dependency with their parent. There should be a boundary between romantic love and parenting. Intermingling this with kids is exposing them to adult issues that aren’t theirs to deal with. A young child does not need to be worried about a parent’s romantic pursuits or be in the decision making process for suitors. It’s too big a task for them and beyond their emotional level.
It may be an unintentional boundary violation, but it is a violation nonetheless.
They will have their own thoughts on the new partner once they are introduced. Waiting a bit takes the pressure off of them to be the ones having to make the early decisions. Because they will, whether they are asked to or not. They can’t help it. Children naturally worry about their parents.
After hearing this advice from the therapist I decided to wait for nearly a year before introducing my children to my boyfriend. I informed them I had a boyfriend around 6 months, but continued to wait for the introductions until a few holidays had passed and we had a chance to see each other in different life circumstances. The kids sat me down and told me I had waited long enough, they needed to meet him.
I was very grateful for the advice.
The extra time allowed them to solely focus on their healing from the divorce and to settle into a life without their dad around. Then when a new man was introduced to them, they didn’t feel he was trying to take me away or was trying to replace their father. They were more settled internally. It also gave me the extra time to get used to the idea of having another adult around my children. That is a big step when you have been used to raising them alone.
But the biggest reason it went well was because the kids were in control of the introductions. They got to say when and where and how they wanted it to happen. Kids are not given control in many situations, so allowing them to have it for something as important as this can go a long way for their peace of mind.
