Of course it’s all a game to them.

Have you heard any of these yet?

• C’,mon. We can do this amicably.

• We don’t need lawyers.

• We’re two smart people, we don’t have to involve the courts.

• It’s as expensive as we want to make it.

• You don’t need to do all that. I’ll give you whatever you want.

• Just tell me what you want and we can work together on this. I want you to have a great future.

If you haven’t, you might.

A narcissist will do whatever it takes to push you forward in a divorce and future fake you with promises of cooperation and civility.

The chances of cooperation actually happening are next to nothing.

Don’t Forget Why You Are Divorcing

If they are truly narcissistic, then the reasons you are not together most likely have to deal with selfishness, manipulation and abuse.

They will continue to be the person you left.

• If you left someone who lied to you → They will continue to lie to you.

• If you left someone who stole from you → They will try to steal from you again.

• If you left someone who abandoned you in a time of need → they will abandon your needs in the divorce.

• If you left someone who cheated you → They will try to cheat you again.

Just because you leave (or were left) does not mean they have become someone new. There is no actual new version of a narcissist. They can pretend to be someone new. They will fake civility and can be formal or diplomatic at times, but they are who they are.

Like Popeye the Sailor man used to say in Saturday morning cartoons. “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”

People often refer to narcissists as chameleons. As if the narcissist completely changes who they are for each person. It’s close but doesn’t encompass the full reality. Chameleons don’t change, they disguise. Chameleons are still chameleons behind the camouflage.

This is the way it is with narcissists as well. This is the mask. You saw it slip off at some point during the relationship. This is a new mask, the divorce mask. It will slip at some point and you will see their true face again.

During your divorce, if they are suddenly nice or seemingly cooperative, it is a ruse. They want something from it or they wouldn’t be doing it.

Covert narcissists are the best at this tactic. They may even admit to being a narcissist and feign accepting the title and that they will be changing from this moment onward.

It’s a lie. It won’t last long. The moment you don’t give them what they want they will revert back to their old tried and true tactics.

This Is Why They Want You To Be Unrepresented In A Divorce

It is a simple concept: If you do not know what the law says, you are open to being manipulated.

Many times they want to set you up to be the only one not represented legally. They tell you they won’t get a lawyer but they do it anyway.

You may not know they have a lawyer until it is too late.

Sometimes, they have a behind-the-scenes legal counsel. They may not have a lawyer that ever shows up. Anyone can pay to get legal advice but file all of the paperwork themselves if they choose to.

That doesn’t mean they aren’t using legal guidance.

Before deciding whether or not to get a lawyer, ask yourself this question: Do I understand my rights in my locale?

Many people ask the wrong question. They ask themselves, “Do I trust my ex?”

Divorce isn’t about trust. If you are divorcing a narcissist you may not be able to trust yourself enough to even answer this question. Narcissistic abuse is a deconstruction of who you are as a person. It makes you lose trust in your instincts. You question yourself and your gut constantly.

If your ability to trust is unstable, then asking it to lead you will get unstable results. Divorce is too big a deal to be relying on something that has been systematically broken down over time due to narcissistic abuse.

Think Of A Lawyer As A Third Party Perspective

The same way a therapist or life coach is a third party.

It is very hard to take a step back and get distance from something we are living through. A lawyer won’t have that issue. They aren’t in the situation with you and they have spent years learning and training to help you get the best result possible. They can tell you if your wants are unrealistic and high, or conversely, if they are too small.

Their job is to help you get what you need and not get ruined in the process.

In an average divorce, I would not be encouraging the use of a lawyer so hard but when it comes to divorce with a narcissist I always do. They will try to ruin you.

There is a reason these cases are commonly known as high-conflict battles.

If you are the minority where they have cut and run and they want to dump you to begin their new life… then count your lucky stars! That is the absolute best possible scenario with a narcissist.

If your narcissistic ex is working hard at keeping you from getting a lawyer, please take a moment to wonder why.

Most likely, they are trying for one last gotcha moment.

Good luck.