Big events are notorious for increases in abusive behavior. This is why they do it.

It never fails. Holidays bring out the worst behavior in narcissists.

Really, any big celebration brings out their worst behavior, but it seems to be that Thanksgiving and Christmas are especially provoking to them.

The base reason why is very, very simple. It is not about them.

But there’s a bit more to it than that. (as with anything)

Why Are The Fall Holidays High For Narcissistic Abuse?

If you think about what a narcissist is it makes perfect sense why these sorts of times are particularly offensive to them.

A narcissist is someone high in antagonistic behaviors. They are self-centered, and not worried about other people’s emotions and needs. They simply don’t care about others as much as they care about themselves, if at all.

If you have ever found yourself asking “Is my partner a narcissist?”, you may very well be dealing with one.

The big Fall holidays here in the US are Thanksgiving and Christmas. (with a sprinkle of Halloween and Veteran’s Day thrown in)

Both of these two major holidays are known for being about gratefulness, happiness, and family. If you are a selfish person who doesn’t like to think about others, why would you want to celebrate these things?

It’s a Bright Shining Light On Their Deficits

Like the way a lighthouse will light up rocks and cliffs and other dangers hidden in the waters, a holiday that is focused on love will shine a light on the things narcissists are lacking in.

A narcissist is an image generator. They craft the way they want people to see them. Like a painting, it can look life-like, but it isn’t.

When the lights of the holiday season are showing their lack of love and ability to connect with others, it will not be taken well. They react to this peek behind the curtain with tantrum-like behavior.

There are many ways this acting out manifests itself. A few examples are:

• Picking fights

• Acting like a victim

• Cheating

• Making a scene at gatherings

• Insults

• Accusations

• Giving a gift they know you will not like

• Not receiving a gift well/ Complaining about it

• Lying

• Refusing to cooperate with holiday plans

• Demanding special treatment

They often ruin celebrations they want to attend.

If they don’t want to go and you do happen to get them there, they may sulk and make it obvious they are miserable to ensure you are not having fun either. You can feel the enmity wafting off of them like a dark psychic wave of energy.

It is Too Difficult for Narcissists to Share Attention

Just like with the birth of a child or Mother’s/Father’s Day, if the day is not about them, it’s not a good day.

It happens a lot on Valentine’s Day as well.

Speak to any partner of a narcissist, and they will tell you the worst pregnancy and birth story you’ve ever heard. Unfortunately, this is common.

The same thing happens on Thanksgiving and Christmas. The attention is spread out and not solely on them, and that is unacceptable. You may find yourself walking on eggshells to make sure they do not lose their cool. Often, doing performative activities that they have requested, like caroling, family photos, or dressing up is not optional no matter how resistant you may be to them.

Many families have traditions they do for the holidays. That is par for the course and not strange in most cases. This is not what I’m referring to.

The above activities are performative and unhealthy when they are done as a show to maintain a false image. I have known a few families that fight like cats and dogs and can’t stand to be near each other in real life, but on social media, you would think they are all best friends and have a loving bond. The pictures are perfect and many times they will tag a person who has cut off communication and refused to participate, as a way to antagonize them.

What Can You Do About It?

The only thing you can truly do is to know it is happening. There is nothing you can do about another person’s personality.

If we can keep our eyes wide open and see them for how they are and not how we wish they were it will help us be able to defend against the nonsense.

It’s like with football, how much easier would it be if the coach had the other team’s playbooks? What a way to save energy and have peace of mind about the games! When you keep in mind that a narcissist is going to be disruptive and uncooperative you can set up parameters to combat that.

This looks like:

• Assigning a watcher: this year cousin Drew gets to watch over Aunt Cindy and make sure she doesn’t start a fight

• Not inviting them in the first place

• Having an escape plan: when the insults start, say the safe word and head out to the “plans” you made up

• Make new traditions that don’t include them

• Go alone: if you have a partner who is a narc, go alone so you can enjoy the moment without them hovering nearby.

• Keep your expectations low

• Go to their home: this way you can leave when you want to and not have to wait for them to leave your place.

• Keep conversation minimal and very dry: the weather, nothing personal, the facts only. Provide no ammunition and don’t invite back-and-forth communication.

• Avoid if possible

• Set a time limit: If you can only tolerate 1 hour, set your alarm and leave when it goes off. Don’t overextend yourself if you do not want to.

• Agree with them: This takes away oxygen from a fight. There is no fight if only one person is participating. Say “Yeah” and let them go about their way.

Typically they already have their minds made up about you, so anything you say won’t make a difference. This article on how to say So What? is good for staying out of fights with antagonistic people.