Deflection is a common tactic of narcissists and argumentative people. This two-word sentence can save you a lot of time and energy.

I’ll tell you a secret. “So What?” is the summation of all of my coaching into one quick line.

If you can ask yourself this, or ask someone else this, then you can problem solve almost any dilemma in your life.

It can help you figure out your motivations, decide between two things, narrow down your life goals, and access rationale in thinking. It’s clear that it’s my favorite question of all time.

How Does saying *So What?* Keep You Safe In An Argument?

Let’s break down what is happening in a typical argument.

• There are at least 2 sides.

• The sides do not agree on something.

• There is an attempt to make thoughts known by 1 or both of the sides.

What happens from there varies, but all arguments have these 3 components as their baseline. Now think about what happens when one side decides to not engage with the argument. Does it continue or does it end?

There needs to be a minimum of 2 opposing pieces to play the argument game.

This is where the art of saying So What? comes into play. It doesn’t give the other side fuel to continue to argument.

Like with many sayings, there are different meanings to the same things. It does matter how you mean it.

Out loud, say “Huh?” 5 times, but each time say it with a different tone. Maybe even avert your gaze or shift your shoulders the second time you say it. Try it deeper, then higher. Slouch down once, then straighten out the next. Lift the corner of your mouth one time, tilt your head on the last one.

Did it give off the same vibe each time? Or did it feel like completely different questions?

This is where the nuance of the So What? question has its power in a disagreement.

If the goal is to avoid getting sucked into an argument then it has to be asked in a way that doesn’t invite an answer. So what? may be a question, but it’s said in a way that is more of a statement. It is a conversation ender.

A good alternate version is to throw in the words, “Yeah?” or “Okay.” with a good pause before you say So What.

That’s two complete sentences with a 3 word total. It gets the point across of what you are trying to convey. You accomplish a lot of communication in those 3 words.

• The Yeah or Okay lets the other party know they were heard.

• The So What? lets them know that this is not up for discussion and the conversation is over.

An Example of Using *So What?* to Avoid Being Sucked Into a Fight

The scenario: You are suspicious that your partner has been lying to you about something or someone. You ask them what is going on with them and instead of attempting to answer or discuss it with you, they try to deflect by asking you about some perceived slight you did to them 5 years ago.

Instead of trying to argue with them about it or defending yourself, try using Ok…. So What?

Then wait.

If they continue with their attempts another reply of. Okay…. So What?

Then wait.

Maybe they continue with the blame-shifting and attacking you.

If you are up for it, try another version of the question with I hear you…And that is relevant how?

Eventually, they will give up the attempts and either actually answer you or they will walk away in a huff. Or you may walk away. The conversation is over though and you have not given away your control to another person that was attempting to suck you into a fight. This is a win.

This same series may have to happen repeatedly if you are in some kind of relationship with a narcissistic person whom you cannot distance from. They may be your parent, partner, boss, coworker, child, teacher, classmate, etc…

This is where the saying, you teach people how they can treat you is true. Not how they WILL treat you, but how they CAN treat you.

A manipulator will attempt repeatedly to step over your boundaries. That’s what they do, they push and then they push some more. They are trying to find a break in your defenses or completely wear them down. They can’t get far if you stop them from reaching you with some good safety measures. This is where they learn that you will not stand around letting them push you. They can push to the empty air as you walk away.

This question is one safety measure that is free to use. It’s not easy to begin to use, but it does get easier with practice.

Try using this the next time you are being baited into a verbal fight. See how it works for you.