They tell it to themselves first and their dates second. How to know if this is true or a wish list statement.

Have you ever heard a friend say… “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Only to find them in a relationship soon after?

Why is that?

Are they just one of the lucky ones that happened into a partnership? What went on that led them from no strings → to boyfriend or girlfriend? Was it fate? Was it divine intervention? Was it that they weren’t looking? (because good things happen when you least expect it)

Nope! Not likely.

While it may be few and far between out in the regular dating world, this Oops I’m in another relationship thing happens quite frequently in the world of love addiction and co-dependency.

After A Breakup, Attempts to Regain Control Take Over

Love addiction (LA)and co-dependency (CD) issues do not set the tone for stable functional relationships. Which means they are not set up to last for the long haul. Some do, but most don’t make it long-term. The ones that do are not what one would describe as a happy and fulfilling union. They are full of control plays, gaslighting and the dysfunctional push/pull dynamic.

After leaving a toxic relationship like this, a person that struggles with LA or CD, is left in the wind with no partner to help them regulate. There are a lot of commonalities between the two. This article has a list that goes over the signs and symptoms of both LA and CD. The main differences between the two lie in the obsession component and the shiny new object factor. A love addict obsessively thinks about and wants to maintain contact with their desired love object. This can lead to a lot of dangerous behaviors like stalking and abuse. They also want to always be in the initial honeymoon stage of love. It is often described as Limerence.

One of the things they have in common is they balance themselves by using another person instead of using self-regulation. When that other person is not around, they struggle. As you can imagine, a breakup will be extra difficult for someone who needs another person to be ok.

This struggle is felt but often not understood well by the person with LA or CD. This is not a decision they make, this is a habit that was formed over their lifetime. Most likely it began in childhood with an enmeshed caregiver/ child dynamic. If they do understand it and have not gotten into a healing program for it, they may feel depressed or ashamed. Like it is something they are doomed to be like forever. If they don’t understand it, they will continue to repeat the same patterns that brought them to where they are today. Which will mean another dysfunctional relationship.

Where I often work with clients with these issues is in the beginning stage. When they are starting to recognize they have a flawed relationship framework and they are getting to the point of being able to accept it. They don’t come for this issue, it fleshes out after the initial trauma healing work has begun, but once it presents itself it becomes a high priority for coaching. The reason for this is that the work involving relationships touches on core aspects of their pain and trauma. If you can begin to heal the core wounds, that work then spreads out and touches everything in their lives. (I explain this much better in this article about the kissing cousins theory.)

When a Co-dependent or Love Addict is single, the priority becomes finding a way to regulate. Since another person is required, they are on a mission to find someone new. It may not always be in a dating role for a co-dependent, but it often is. (it could be a child, sibling, parent, co-worker, or friend)

The problem with that is, relationships take time to build properly. Time that is not spent comfortably for someone who is struggling to regulate. This is why relationships are fast-tracked. It’s a big red flag to go too fast into a full relationship with someone new when you have a healthy sense of attachment, but when you don’t, it’s the biggest green flag they can find. This is what they want, to be in it now.

“I’m Not Looking For A Relationship Right Now.”

This is by far the biggest lie they tell themselves.

This is often said with the thought… I have no expectations.

But… neither sentiment is true.

Actions not lining up with words = Lying.

If someone says this to you but then they do everything they would do as if they were in fact looking for a relationship… They are lying.

The lie is inward as well as outward so they may not be aware of this delusion, but it is still a lie. It is cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance = Lying to Yourself

Every single person is guilty of cognitive dissonance in some form.

I did it myself when dating. I said that exact line. I did not know at the time I was lying to myself. It did not dawn on me until I saw it happen to multiple clients. One day my brain lit up like a lightbulb and I realized I had been guilty of the same behavior in the past that I was coaching against.

It was a revelation I didn’t expect to have and I am glad I did. Now I can empathize with them on a new level. I can understand what they are feeling and thinking and why. I can also understand how you can go about it without realizing it for a single moment. I look back and appreciate how thoroughly I deluded myself into thinking I was doing it right this time. It’s a mind game for sure. One we play on ourselves and unfortunately play on the person we are dating.

So What Now? What Can I Do About It?

The short answer is… Come back to reality.

The path there is through coaching or counseling.

This is not easily done on your own. Dysfunctional patterns are blind spots to us. We cannot see them. They are ingrained habits that are on autopilot. They are hidden. It takes an outside perspective to shine the light on them.

If you’re interested in this kind of coaching reach out to me at info@cpresleycoaching.com for a free discovery call. If I cannot assist you, I have a network of other coaches and therapists I can refer you to.

Support groups that are helpful:

• CoDa

• S.L.A.A.

• S.A.A.

• SAMHSA

This issue is completely under your control. If you need help check out the resources above. They may help you clear up your thoughts and begin to make a new future for yourself.