Accepting this truth today will save you heartache in the future.

“Find the silver lining in every dark cloud!”

We are sold a story of positivity and hope every day. Unfortunately, not all stories are appropriate in every situation. Sometimes, our search for the silver lining keeps us stuck in place for longer than we should be. It exposes us to further trauma and danger and can prolong a bad situation that we should be running away from.

Should, should, should. If only we always knew what we should be doing.

When it comes to affairs, codependency, toxic relationships, or addiction, looking for the silver lining hidden in the muck can leave you open to repeating the same negative patterns.

Why go through the pain again?

Brightsiding During And After The Relationship

We did it during the relationship and we do it during recovery from it.

Brightsiding is a normal part of recovery from narcissistic abuse but it can have a toxic side as well. (like anything can if you take it too far)

This is the act of finding the good within the bad. You know what I mean.

During the relationship, it looked like this:

• He had a hard childhood.

• Everyone he cares about abandons him.

• She didn’t have her father in her life.

• Their home environment was chaotic.

• Her mom had a constant stream of boyfriends coming in and out of the house. She doesn’t know what healthy love looks like.

• His dad was an addict.

• He just needs someone to show him what unconditional love is.

• I can help her heal.

After we leave it turns into this:

• I was in that bad relationship but at least I have my kids now.

• It taught me not to blindly trust anyone.

• I can pick out a liar from far away.

• What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

• I learned what kind of love I don’t want and what I deserve to have.

These are examples of brightsiding that are par for the course in healing from a toxic relationship. This happens in the normal cycle of events when you are learning to flip from abuse victim to abuse survivor.

The problem happens when it is taken to an extreme and it becomes a self-gaslighting tool.

I hear it in various situations but most commonly it is from friends or clients who are either…

1. Romanticizing an affair

2. About to go back to an abusive ex

3. About to repeat an old bad habit with a new (often worse) romantic partner

That’s when the pivot from healthy growth takeaways begins to veer off course and switches from being a positive mindset tool to a wander through the land of cognitive dissonance.

That is what cognitive dissonance is. It is self-gaslighting.

It is a way to make bad decisions feel okay. When all is said and done, it is the way we tell ourselves that we weren’t wrong so we don’t have to face the pain associated with guilt, shame, and regret.

The truth is often too pricey and we don’t want to pay the fee associated with it. The fee is grief. The fee is growth and change. The fee demands action in a new direction.

That direction is new and scary. It is unknown. We know what to do here on this path, so we lie to ourselves and make it ok to stay.

Romanticizing Solidifies The Decision

Spinning a negative into a positive takes a horse pill and morphs it into a teeny little tablet. Now you can swallow it.

It also takes the thoughts, feelings, and memories of the experience and stores them in a pleasant box. Before the box was full of barbed wire and poison and now it contains flowers and sweet tea.

Do you see how that can lead to making the same mistakes again?

We pull upon our memories to make decisions every day. What should have been a warning is now twisted into a good experience. (or semi-good)

If you are coming from a toxic relationship, the experience was bad for you! It harmed you! There is a reason that you needed to heal from it. We don’t need to heal from things that were perfectly OK.

The term Euphoric Recall is what this phenomenon of romanticizing entails. This is when the bad aspects of the events are minimized and the good parts are amplified. It happens after time and space have allowed the crisis levels to calm down.

Victims of narcissistic abuse have periods of Euphoric Recall once their nervous systems have settled. Our brains don’t want to dwell on the negative so they push those parts down and the good parts rise to the top. This is the reason journaling and writing down what happened is so important. This is so we don’t feel like we made it all up or exaggerated what happened to us.

It happened.

It’s important to remember things the way they happened in reality.

Romanticizing and Brightsiding Are Boundary Violations

Only this time… you are the one who is poking holes in your boundaries. By minimizing the extent of the dysfunction and pain, you are leaving openings for it to happen again. It leaves you susceptible to more suffering and heartache.

Remember, looking back and finding a lesson from the pain is normal, but taking it too far and making it into a positive experience is not.

It’s all about balance.

When there are cracks in our boundaries, the users, and abusers in the world will swoop in and try to burrow their way in. It’s what they do. Manipulators manipulate. Liars lie. Users use. Violators violate.

Expecting a different outcome by doing the same behavior is a complete waste of your time and love. It will hinder you from achieving the future you wish for.

It Will Always End In More Pain

It’s inevitable that making the same decisions that took you to pain before will take you to pain again.

1+1=2

No one needs an exercise in futility. You already paid the tax in tears and wasted time. Please don’t leave yourself open to paying more.