Special days are hard ones when you are dealing with a narcissist. You never know what you’re going to get.

It really does depend on where you are in the game for what you can expect to happen on any big day, let alone one where romance and love is involved. This is why Valentines Day is especially dangerous for anyone that is either in a relationship with an abuser, or is vulnerable to being love bombed by one.

If you are at the start of the relationship, you will get a completely different experience than at the middle or the end.

Let me go over what I mean…

Valentine’s Day At The Beginning

The start of almost any narcissistic relationship can be described with Love Bombing.

What is Love Bombing? This is when you are bombarded with attention, declarations of affection, gifts, acts of love, praise, etc… You get the message.

It is over the top. It is meant to sweep you off your feet. It is manipulation.

If you are still in that stage when Valentine’s Day comes around you may be in for the best one you could ever hope for. It will feel amazing and it is the perfect setup for a trauma bond.

This is the standard you feel will be getting for the future, but it isn’t real and it will not stay around.

In the future you will find yourself asking, “How do I get back there?” Back to when you felt seen and heard and loved.

Valentine’s Day in the Middle

When you’re in the middle stages of your relationship with a narcissist you will get a version of one of 3 things… 1. The bland watered down attempt 2. Nothing 3. An anti-Valentine’s.

Let’s go over each one.

Bland: with this version you may still get a card or flowers or something, but it won’t be specific to you. It would be what anyone would give a stranger. A box of chocolates and flowers from the grocery store. A card with just a name or XOXO written on it. A stuffed animal.

What makes it bland will be the obvious last minute nature of it. Maybe they grab it on the way home from work or tell you to wait right there and they jump in their car to go get it.

Minimal effort. Minimal thought. No planning. Not special.

Nothing: This one is pretty simple. You get nothing. No Happy V-Day text. No cards, gifts, well wishes even. Just radio silence on the matter.

Anti-Valentine’s: This technique feels like the most outright mean. Usually you won’t know about it until either close to the date or on the day itself.

This is when you may hear about how Valentine’s Day is a commercial gimmick that the mindless masses fall for. Never mind, that they celebrated it with you before or that they had previously loved it. This year is different!

Another way it happens is by sabotage. The narcissist may get you something for the holiday but it’s off somehow.

For instance, you may get a cookie cake even though they know you don’t like cookies. Or you get a gift that they knew you received from a previous partner on a prior Valentine’s Day. Or you may have a reservation at 6 PM for a nice dinner but they don’t get home on purpose until 5:50.

This is the perfect way to establish the base for a trauma bond.

Valentine’s Day At The End

Toward the end of your relationship with a narcissist you can actually have a pretty great Valentine’s Day.

This is usually because they are either 1. trying to cover up an affair or 2. because they are getting their needs met elsewhere and have enough supply to get them through.

This will usually only happen if they are closing in on the discard phase. They may getting rid of you as soon as their other plans firm up.

Why is this? Because they need supply. Supply is anything they need. Sex, attention, money, food, power, etc…

If you have a great Valentine’s Day after some crappy ones, then they may be causing a smokescreen. This is a diversion to throw you off track and make you think they are “trying”. You feel good because it feels like it did in the beginning. Like when you were getting love bombed. Like you’re finally getting your old partner back.

It’s not real! Don’t fall for it!

It also could be because they have a person on the side giving them what they want so they don’t need to ask you for it. You are a bonus supply so they want to keep you around for a boost.

Whether you are the main supply, or the extra doesn’t matter. You are both (or maybe more) being used to get the attention they desperately crave. Since their supply cup is currently topped off, you get a reprieve from the normal negative energy and can have a holiday that isn’t terrible.

If they are not actively seeking another source of supply they may use Valentine’s day to suck you back in for another round so they don’t lose you too soon.

One thing is for sure. All narcissists need to have supply coming from somewhere. They get desperate if they think they may have to go without it. You will get every tactic in the book used on you to convince you to stay. This is usually temporary and doesn’t last long. They don’t have the bandwidth for it.

But, they may also go back to the ignore or sabotage mode from previously. If they have to make plans and keep someone else happy on that day then there won’t be enough energy for them to do it for you as well.

You’ll go on the backburner.

Where You Are Located Is Subjective

Keep in mind there is no timeframe involved here.

The middle of your relationship may be one year or 15. It could even be 4 months. The range is subjective to the pace your narcissist went through the stages of Idealize-> Devalue-> Discard.

These 3 stages are the normal progression of every narcissistic coupling. The only time this may vary is in a family structure. But all other relationships whether they be friendships, work, neighbors, or romantic will go through these 3.

Why Do They Do It?

Any version of events has a purpose… to manipulate.

It doesn’t matter if they know they are doing it or not. They do it for many reasons. Someone with no capacity for self-reflection may have no clue as to WHY but it does not matter. What matters is it happened and you got hurt.

Whether they want to pick a fight, cause pain or simply do not care enough to do anything, the result is the same. You feel uncared for and unimportant.

This is emotional abuse. This is harmful.

It breaks you down psychologically and hurts you on a physiological level. Hormones, brain wave and electrical activity and even structural changes to you brain happen. Your gut changes. Your Vagus nerve reacts.

To put it plainly → You change.

But you can change back.

Getting into a good trauma recovery program is key. Your body lived it, and it has to heal it. Talking alone will never be enough.

If you want to speak to someone that has been through it and is trained for Somatic self healing and narcissistic abuse email me at info@cpresleycoaching.com.

Either way, good luck out there.

You don’t deserve to be minimized and hurt by anyone ever.