“I Guess I’m Just Bad At It”
One of the many fun games that narcissists play.
Narcissists use games to train you.
While they have a sense of superiority and want people to admire them and give them things, for some reason, working honestly for it is not an option.
They want what they want the second they want it, but don’t want to do the work to get what they want. (make sense)
It’s a never-ending loop of dysfunctional thinking.
In a narcissist’s perfect world. People would bring them things and do activities for them simply because they recognize that the narcissist deserves it.
Why can’t you understand that? It’s so simple and would make things a lot easier for you if you would just accept it!
But, no one does because they have their own lives and their own struggles and they don’t want to be subservient to a tyrant who doesn’t appreciate their efforts. So the narcissist uses games.
Who me? I’m innocent. Photo by Polina Zimmerman
The *I’m just bad at it* Game
Have you ever asked the narcissist in your life to do something simple? Something that is a daily life task that they should be able to master without any instructions or assistance.
Yet they manage to jack it up royally.
Scenario 1
Let’s say it’s loading the dishwasher. They do it like a circus monkey would and make it so there is still a sink full of dishes that need to be washed because they can’t figure out how to get any more to fit.
They will look you dead in the eyes and say, “I guess I’m just bad at it.”
You may even take the time to teach them how to properly load the dishes. (which is still you doing the dishes, not them) They watch you do the task in front of them and promise that next time they will do a better job.
Then the next time happens and it’s a complete disaster… yet again.
“I guess I’m just bad at it.”
This cycle repeats until you are so fed up with them that you take over the task of doing the dishes and they get their free time back.
Scenario 2
You have a newborn baby and it is waking up in the middle of the night crying. You suggest an alternating schedule with your partner. On even days you wake up with the baby and on odd days your partner does.
Inevitably, they will not be able to soothe the baby on their own and will need to wake you up to assist them.
In reality, they could if they tried to, but they aren’t actually trying to. They pretend to try long enough to make a show of it.
They’re just bad at it.
They shrug their shoulders and pretend it’s out of their control.
Now it’s your responsibility to wake up with the baby every night because they are going to wake you up for assistance regardless.
Why Play This Game?
The I’m Just Bad At It game works.
It is a children’s game. Kids do this often to get out of household chores or homework. Have you ever asked your kid to pull weeds in the garden or clean their room and come back to an absolute disaster?
We don’t tell kids that they should give up and never try again because we will do all of their chores forever, yet this happens all the time with adult narcissists.
Narcissists are perpetual children. They haven’t grown up. They still play childish games when they are allowed to get away with it.
Are They Really Bad At It?
Yes.
But only because they are trying to be. They are terrible on purpose. They are full-grown adults and should be able to figure out how to do normal things.
The narcissist’s manufactured incompetence serves a few functions.
It gets them out of work.
It trains you to stop asking for help.
It sets up a parent/child dynamic.
It teaches you to accept the bare minimum.
It provides a ready excuse for the future when you attempt to ask for help again.
It promotes all-or-nothing thinking. (either you are good at something immediately and do it… or you aren’t and you give up and never do it again)
It establishes a status quo for the relationship.
It perpetuates a cycle of give/take. (you give and give and give and they take)
Ask The Right Questions
We get caught up in the wrong details. That is where a narcissist excels. They can get us wrapped up in the most inane detail and we end up defending ourselves and overexplaining our wants.
They then storm off and say things like:
I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.
You need to calm down before we continue this discussion.
This is why we can’t communicate. You make a big deal out of everything.
This happens because we ask them the questions instead of ourselves.
We have zero control over what they do, think, or say. There is nothing we can actually say that will make a narcissist do what we want them to do. It’s a losing strategy to attempt it. A true exercise in futility.
We only have control over ourselves.
We ask them, “Why?” or some version of it.
Why aren’t you figuring it out?
Why don’t you want to help?
Why do you continue to take advantage of me?
Don’t you love me enough to try harder?
Instead, switch the questions back onto yourself.
Why am I with someone who can’t do a simple task?
Why am I tolerating nonsense?
Why am I with a partner who does not care about my needs?
Why am I accepting the bare minimum?
What am I getting out of this relationship?
Is this what I want to be demonstrating for my kids?
Is it realistic that they can ever be a partner to me?
These kinds of questions are important to answer. But the answers are very difficult to accept.
It is not easy to think of your partner as a narcissist. It is a very bleak future and is usually a nail in the coffin of your relationship. Once that thought solidifies in your head, action is necessary. Your action.
It can feel overwhelming and it is hard to break an established pattern of behavior. Often this is when the discard phase of a narcissistic relationship will happen.
They don’t want to be with someone who makes them live in reality and be a functioning component of a relationship. They want to coast and have it easy.
If you are ready to pick the battle of holding them accountable I wish you luck. It’s a fight worth fighting.