The dangerous mindset that many people don’t recognize is a huge red flag in themselves.

This article is about personal reflection and accountability. There will always be cases in which someone is duped into a fast relationship by a narcissist or abuser, that’s not what I’m referring to here. This is from the perspective of the person who throws themselves onto the fire each time, not from someone who was dragged there.

I have seen these statements written in comments and heard them from friends and clients alike.

• “I’m an all-in kind of person.”

• “I throw myself into relationships”

• “I just love too hard.”

Have you described yourself this way?

I’m not sure where along the way these kinds of thoughts began to be promoted as normal, beneficial, or even healthy. They aren’t.

They are the words of people with cracked boundaries.

I’m An All-In Kind Of Person

All-in is fine when you have done the slow groundwork of establishing a loving bond and the feeling is mutual. All-in is the ultimate goal for most romantic relationships.

That takes time.

Conventional wisdom says that it takes approximately 3 months to build a base for any relationship. Whether it is a friendship, romantic, or business relationship doesn’t matter.

After 3 months of setting the groundwork, the connection can become solidified and long-term plans set. The next days, weeks, months, and years will continue the job.

Attempting to fast-track the process by going all-in too soon can lead you into hot water. The odds of getting burned increase because you don’t know the person you have attached yourself to.

If you have a history of relationships that burn hot but burn out before they reach the 6-month mark, you may have fallen into this trap.

I Throw Myself Into Relationships

But why?

• Why throw yourself into the unknown?

• What does that do for you?

• Has it worked out for you the way you wanted it to?

• What’s the reason the slow approach is unappealing?

• What would it hurt to try it?

Do you know the answer to these questions?

These are the inquiries that slow you down and demand mindfulness.

Two conditions that commonly throw themselves into new relationships are Love Addiction and Codependency.

This article published in the Journal of Philosophy, Psychiatry & Psychology details Love Addiction.

A Love Addiction would be along the same lines as gambling, sex, eating, exercise, work, or porn addictions. They are processes, not substances. That doesn’t make them any less addictive than a substance (like alcohol or meth) would be.

Addiction can be overwhelming and ruin lives no matter what form it takes.

This article by Psychology Today discusses Codependency and the traits that make it up.

Codependency involves relationships that are heavily in favor of one side. The opposing partner reaps the benefits of the codependent’s sacrificial form of love and affection.

If either of these conditions resonates with you, reach out for help.

I Just Love Too Hard

Anything done “too” is done at the expense of something else. You can’t give too much without taking that bit of extra from somewhere.

Where did it come from?

Many times, it comes from boundaries, self-worth, and your future goals.

A good visual to use is to imagine boundaries, self-worth, and your future as 3 cookies. Every time you love too hard, you take a bite from one of those cookies to fuel yourself. You need the energy to love too hard.

What will you do when there is nothing left?

Don’t Sacrifice Pieces Of Yourself For a Relationship

Yeah, you can technically live without an arm, leg, or ear, but if you had the choice, would you still give them up?

The parts you sacrifice when you bypass safety to have a relationship may not be seen, but you will still feel them.

Your stability. Your safety. Your children’s future. Your future. Your finances. Your home. Your friendships. Your self-esteem. Your health. Your relationship with yourself. These are all the things that can get cut away by falling hard and fast.

They are worth more than any fleeting connection.

Good luck.