Do you have a hard time figuring out if something is good or bad for you?

Do you tend to think of things as all good or all bad?

Is this interfering in your life and causing problems for you?

If you answered YES then you may have an issue with black and white thinking.

What Is Black And White Thinking?

Also known as dichotomous thinking. This is when a person has an issue with accepting two separate/conflicting beliefs about the same topic.

An example of two thoughts that are separate:

1. I am mad with my wife.

2. I still love my wife.

These two thoughts are normal to have together and are healthy because they are both true.

Now if you have an issue with black and white thinking you would instead have the thought sequence of:

1. I am mad at my wife

2. Which means I must hate my wife.

Do you see the difference?

The second example has a thought that lines up with the first one.

If the first one is true… then the second one must be true.

This is what black and white thinking promotes. Which is rarely the case since humans are too complex for this to be true all the time. This is a fantasy thought process, not based in reality.

Dichotomous thinking can be a huge hindrance in relationships because we often have conflicting thoughts about someone else.

(Now of course it can be true that you are mad at someone and you hate them. But this is more for when the issue is pervasive across all scenarios and not in line with the actuality of situations)

So How Do I Stop Myself From Thinking This Way?

The trick to changing this behavior is by creating a way for you to merge the two conflicting thoughts into one to accept them.

This is going to be very hard if this is your go-to method of reasoning.

Mainly because it’s not typically something that is recognized by the person doing it.

It’s usually something that is complained about by the person they are in a relationship with.

But if you do recognize this in yourself here is one easy way to begin to change this pattern.

Instead of saying “SO” say “AND”.

Lets go back to the second example above.

The first thought is… I am mad at my wife, so I must hate her. Now lets think of something that we can put behind AND to make the reality connect.

AND:

1. I married her because I love her

2. She is a good person

3. We are friends

4. She cares about me as well

5. She is a great mother to our kids

6. etc…

Of course those were all just pure guesses. But those are examples of the types of thinking you can substitute with.

This Is Going To Take A Lot Of Practice

Overcoming any habit takes time and effort.

Black and white thinking is common among those with personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

All of these involve distortions of thinking and behavior. Changing a thought process is going to be necessary to dealing with the symptoms of these disorders, but also more difficult because of the nature of them.

If you don’t believe you have an issue then what is there to change?

That doesn’t mean it’s hopeless though.

If you want to make the change then practice will make perfect.

Try out using AND more when thinking about things.

Set a goal to use it once a day for 1 week. Just one time each day. That will take maybe 10 seconds of your time but may save you from a lifetime of headaches and heartaches.