Many who come from childhood trauma go on to abuse others.

If you have been unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with a narcissist then you will completely understand this sentiment.

“But they had a hard childhood...”

It is said with conviction!

We say it. Other people say it. The narcissist promotes it. This sob story of a difficult childhood, a traumatic relationship or a past event can lead us into dangerous waters and then abandon us there without a life vest.

It sucks us in.

This story was (or is) the downfall for those of us who were trying to love someone through their pain. It’s a losing battle. You can never win it, no matter how much you want it.

Many Who Stay In Narcissistic Relationships Are Highly Empathetic People

It stinks to see someone struggle and to hear about the pain they felt. If you have the normal (or more than normal) amount of empathy, the narcissist’s story will tug at your heartstrings.

Not only that, it will pull at your instincts to protect. It brings out the white knight in men and the mother in women. It is a primal response that happens automatically. Gears get shifted and things are set in motion that are under the radar because they are innate to human nature.

They look at you with those wounded puppy dog eyes and you feel throughout your body and soul that you want to keep them from any more harm.

This is the trap that narcissists set for their prey.

A boobytrap. They will slam the top down and keep you in that prison for as long as they can extract supply from you!

“But they had a hard childhood”

And now you get to have a hard time too.

Does It Matter What Happened to Them In Their Past?

It matters to them.

Every person deserves to feel loved, supported, and cared for. No one deserves to have that need used against them like a weapon. They do deserve to grieve and overcome their traumatic past, but they don’t deserve to do it at your expense.

This is what a narcissist does with it. They take their need for comfort and understanding and use it to form a cage to keep you stuck beside them. You are both stuck in the negative cycle of dysfunction and no one gets out of it better in the end. You are both worse off.

“But they had a hard childhood”

It is a compelling argument. Not all arguments need to be had.

The healthier question for you is -> Is that a good reason to stay in a toxic relationship?

Is their bad past a reason for you to remain in a situation in which you are being controlled, manipulated, and abused?

In the end, this sentiment of needing to help them overcome their history is what keeps us around well past the relationship’s expiration date.

It’s not going to be easy to leave that situation but it is the only way to stay safe. They will not change when you are there taking their abuse and fixing their problems. They have no reason to change. It is working for them right now. We don’t change things that are going our way.

If you are still fixing, they will not do better. It is a losing battle. Don’t fight a pointless war.

You deserve more than to be an emotional punching bag because someone else had a bad childhood.