The question we ask when trying to understand their motives.

Did they know? It is who they are as a person or is it a mental illness? How can I blame them if they have a condition? Is it their fault? Can they get better? What can I do?

These questions are asked regularly by people dealing with abusive dynamics. The want for answers and the need to make sense of even the tiniest aspect can feel overwhelming.

When regarding mental health conditions, it can be difficult to know how to think about the actions associated with it. We don’t want to be judgmental or mean, but we also are only human. We are going to feel some kind of way when a negative action is taken against us. Especially when it was specially targeted to make us feel bad or control us.

The feelings involved with that are not going to be minimized because the person may have an issue. The feelings make sense. When something is done to hurt us ->it hurts. When something is done to put us in our place -> we feel controlled.

BUT… that doesn’t make us wonder any less if the narcissists in our lives knew what they were doing. It’s natural to look at difficult situations from a variety of angles. This is one of them.

Did they know they were hurting me?

What is NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the 4 disorders in the Cluster B group. They are known as the dramatic and erratic cluster.

• NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder

• BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder

• ASPD- Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopath and Psychopath)

• HSP- Histrionic Personality Disorder

The symptoms of each overlap significantly with the others and it could be argued that they are actually one big personality disorder spectrum (like autism is on a spectrum) and people swing between them depending on their current stress levels. In theory, they could go from having BPD symptoms on an average day, but when they are highly stressed they could swing more closely to the ASPD end.

This could account for why the acting out behaviors can be so different when stressful events happen and they do what is seemingly uncharacteristic. They may be swinging into another disorder at that time.

The problem many have is whether to think of their partner as a narcissist (having NPD) or simply as narcissistic (being selfish or a jerk).

If they are narcissistic, then they are high in the traits that are associated with narcissism but they either do not have enough of them or do not demonstrate them across all areas of their life.

The 9 traits are:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance

• Interpersonally exploitive

• Arrogant

• Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people

• Requires excessive admiration

• Lacks empathy

• Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her

• Sense of entitlement

• Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

You need to be more than selfish and antagonistic to be classified as having NPD. At least 5 of these traits must be a main theme in your life and touch all parts of it.

We all have narcissistic traits at times because any one of these is normal on its own. Being a bit selfish at times is not a big deal. It is not normal to have a lot of them or have them as a core piece of our identity.

But do they know what they are doing?

Is a personality disorder an “illness”?

It is a dysfunctional psychological pattern of being, but is it or is it not considered a mental illness?

I have found conflicting statements on the matter so I’m unsure where this thought lands in the eyes of professionals. It is in the DSM, but it is not a viable defense legally the way other mental health conditions are. This is because they know what they are doing is not good. They can’t or won’t stop themselves from doing it because their disorder causes them to believe they are in the right to do it. They can tell the difference between right and wrong, they simply do not care unless it will get them what they want.

There is a high selfishness component to all 4 of the disorders in Cluster B. The regard for another person is much lower on the list of priorities than it should be.

Their thought process can look like this:

If you have a need… so what? Your need is in the way of my getting what I want. What do you expect me to do about that? You put yourself in the way with your needs. If you would simply stop having needs, then all of this would be a non-issue. So really, you caused this problem by having wants and expecting me to care about those wants, which means-> you are the real cause of all the problems.

This is the type of mental gymnastics that happens in the mind of someone selfish. All roads lead back to you. You (being a human, with normal human desires) were asking for too much from them. You must be punished for that.

They Know But Do Not Care Enough To Stop Themselves

Yes! The answer is yes they knew what they were doing.

They may not always be aware of why they are doing it, but they know what they were doing all along.

If they did not know what they were doing was wrong then they would do it all the time, out in the open. They would not wait until it was behind closed doors.

We don’t minimize, deny, or hide things we are perfectly fine with.

They know they are in the wrong. This is why they manipulate, con, cheat, swindle, triangulate, lie, turn the tables, justify, attack, defraud, etc… These actions don’t come from being OK with what you are doing.

Does It Matter If They Know?

Nope.

What matters is:

• Are you safe?

• Are you being used?

• Are you being abused?

• Are you able to speak up?

• Can you trust them?

• Are your kids safe?

I would argue that it does not matter one bit if they are aware of their actions. The result is harm to you whether they know what they are doing or not.

Why does it matter whether or not they know they are abusing you?

It’s OK to leave. It is not cruel to the narcissist to remove yourself from harm. It is a kindness to yourself. Abuse, even unintentional, is still abuse. If they are not willing to change their actions then they are choosing to remain abusive.

They can figure out their motives on their own. You don’t have to remain in harm’s way for them to do that. If they are interested in getting help, they will get it with or without you in the picture.

Many people stick around because of a traumatic past that their abuser lived through. You do not want to be yet another person who abandoned them. Subjecting yourself to abuse in the name of love will not help heal their old wounds. It will only dig a deeper hole. You will be in that hole with them going lower, lower, lower…

The hard part for many in narcissistic relationships is accepting that you deserve more. Leaving an abuser does not make you a bad person or selfish.

Your love can’t fix them. Only their own love can.

But your love can help you.