It doesn’t make sense . . . except it does.

Covert narcissists are tricky to spot and even trickier to get away from.

One way they suck you into their dysfunctional world is by playing the victim. And boy do they know how to play that role perfectly.

Often a covert narcissist will ask you to help them with a specific task that they are complaining about. This could be for anything. For this example, let’s say they have asked for your assistance in making a monthly budget because they are upset about their financial situation.

You can sit down with them and come up with the most amazingly beautiful, perfectly easy-to-follow budget that was ever created and . . . they will be upset with you for it.

You may not find out about this upset immediately, but it will become clear in time. They cannot keep their disappointment to themselves for long.

Why Do They Do This?

The answer is simple. They did not actually want a solution.

What they wanted was:

1. The attention

2. The victimhood

3. The excuse for why their life is not going well

You took all that away with your “help.”

It was fine for them to play along while you were helping them (because they had your attention), but once the task was over, they didn’t have anything else to ask for, and that infuriated them.

They never wanted real help. Your help became the new issue.

It is something you did TO them, not FOR them. You will be punished for it somehow.

Think about some of the ways you have helped a covert narcissist. How did that situation end up?

• Did they accept your time and effort, and then not follow through with the plan?

• Did they ask for your advice, but then do the complete opposite?

• Did they accept it, but then complain?

• Did they accept it at all?

It is a frustrating pattern that happens throughout the relationship. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

What Can You Do About It?

This will all depend on how firm you can be with the covert narcissist in your life and how much energy you are willing to spend on them.

If you have none to expend?

Refusing to play the game is your only option. This is when you stop them in their tracks and tell them NO when they request assistance.

Think of the covert narc as an addict. They are addicted to the supply you provide and the energy you put into them. Your past “helping” was the drug they craved. They will inevitably want another hit.

When you say NO, you are denying them their drug. It won’t be pretty as they go through withdrawal. The backlash you will encounter will be strong and pointed. They will say and do some seriously messed up stuff during this time. This is a time when no contact would be beneficial.

If you want to stick around?

This is when radical acceptance comes into play.

Understanding what it is and what you must do is the only way to get by if you choose to keep a covert narcissist in your life. There are some things that must be accepted.

• They will continue attempts at manipulation.

• They will push your boundaries.

• They will not accept responsibility.

• They will frustrate you.

• They will never get it.

To remain in contact with a covert narcissist means choosing to remain in a place that is not healthy, but you do it with your eyes wide open. The hope for change, the want for a more meaningful and deep relationship, and the expectation for reciprocity is now gone.

All of that was a fantasy that never truly existed anyway.

The covert narcissist is a phantom. They haunt the people who care for them. That care may never go away. What will hopefully go away is the tolerance for the nonsense and the rose-colored glasses that camouflaged all of those red flags.