Who doesn’t love a good compliment?

It’s nice to hear someone appreciate how much hard work you put into a project. Or tell us how good we’ve done raising our kids. OR even just to hear that the shirt we’re wearing fits us nicely.

So why does it feel so wrong sometimes when someone says something that is meant to be in admiration or positive?

This is a big one that is often hard to define.

But you know it when you know it!

What Is A Compliment?

This one is pretty simple.

A compliment is meant to show appreciation of something. It’s an honest AND realistic conveyance of recognition.

A compliment rings true and holds water over time. It not only sounds right, but it also feels right.

That doesn’t mean you have an easy time accepting it. Sometimes receiving compliments can be tough and anxiety provoking. But even if it does, it still sounds correct.

What Is Flattery?

Flattery is excessive praise. It is insincere.

Flattery is a tool. It’s meant to butter you up and get you off guard, typically to be used as a manipulation tactic.

It is meant to lower your guard and win you over. It’s a set up… a gimmick.

Why Is It Important To Know The Difference? (and how can you tell)

It can be very difficult to differentiate between these two.

It’s nice to get praise. Validation is a deep want we all have.

This is something that manipulators know. They know that we want something. (They may not know why we want it or even what it is we truly want, but they know that we do want something.)

The reason for the manipulation will vary from benign to malignant. For example, a child may want to put you in a good mood so you will let them go to a friends house or watch Youtube. While a narcissist may want to flatter you so you will overlook them crossing your boundaries or to excuse abusing you.

In the child it will sound something like this: “Mom, you look like a princess in that dress. I love you so much. Can I give you a hug?”

From the narcissist: “You really are a great friend. I’ve never had a friend that is kind and smart as you. You have such a beautiful soul. I wish I was like you.”

Do you see how that all sounds amazing?

If you don’t know the difference between a compliment and flattery, it can be really easy to get caught up in the words only.

The difference lies in the intention. And you will be able to decipher the intention in a few different ways.

1. Over time

It works! Flattery works very well! The first few times you may get fooled. This can be a hard pill to swallow once you realize what is really happening.

The truth will come out slowly over time as their actions and words of flattery start to contradict.

They often find subtle ways of putting you down passive aggressively while still telling you that you are the most amazing person they know.

(“You’re so smart. I’m surprised you fell for another gold digger.”) OR (“That cute guy at the bar is hitting on me. You’re pretty, I don’t know why he’s not looking at you too? You have been drinking too much lately. I bet he can tell”) OR (“I’ve been breaking out lately, I feel so ugly. How do you manage it all the time?) OR (“You got a raise? You must be really good at pretending to know what you’re doing.”)

As you experience these sorts of interactions over a span of weeks or years you begin to see how the words they say aren’t consistent, and the “compliments” you do get are not in line with the message you actually receive.

Time will tell…

2. How you feel

After you receive flattery it feels somehow wrong.

This is the one where you walk away a bit confused because the emotions were manufactured.

You feel high, on cloud 9, then you come back to reality and you don’t understand why the shift happened.

It happened because it was not real. If it had been real, there would be nothing to come back down to. You would stay in the place you are.

If you walk away from an interaction unsure of what really went on then you were more than likely being played somehow.

3. Experience

After this has happened to you a few times you can begin to sniff out the setup.

It may begin by recognizing the pattern.

Do you get the flattery before they insult themselves? “My hands are so fat. I wish I had hands like yours…”

This may be a set up for getting praise back. The good ol fishing for compliments game.

Maybe you notice that you get a lot of praise in the two weeks leading up to a big disappointment. For example: You have a girls trip planned for yourself and friends. Your husband doesn’t want you to go so for the weeks leading up to it there is a lot of flattery and validation happening, then as the day arrives you get hit with…”Do you really have to go? I just want to spend some alone time with you? C’mon cancel. I just love you so much. We can have a romantic weekend ourselves.”

Can you see how after getting flattery to soften you up that this may work?

It seems so innocent and sweet, but in reality it was a way to get you to do what he wanted all along. And once you give in and don’t go, he knows what will work in the future to keep you alone with only him and he knows you can be influenced by flattery.

Ask yourself what patterns you have seen by the people in your universe.

Bosses, friends, family, coworkers, romantic partners, siblings, children…

And ask yourself if you notice this in your own actions.

When you can recognize it, you can change it. And anything you can change, cannot control you.

Good luck!!