What will it cost you?

Sometimes the price you must pay to open your eyes feels too expensive.

What then? What will you be forced to pay if you admit the truth?

I was listening to YouTube today and letting the videos auto-play as I sat in the carpool line for my son. Sometimes it’s nice to simply let whatever information the algorithm chooses for me be the next option. Most of the time it gets me.

This video from Psychotherapy Networker caught my attention fast. Dr Ramani Durvasula is a well-known figure in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery field and she was speaking at an engagement where she discussed the concept of Betrayal Blindness.

I know this one well. The book Blind To Betrayal, by Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell, was a game changer in my recovery from an abusive marriage. I read it twice… and then read a few more books on the topic and still didn’t get it.

I read it twice because my counselor made me. She could tell that it didn’t absorb the first time. I was deeply entrenched in my denial of reality. (You may be as well. There is hope. One day, something will click and you can also come out of that fantasyland of cognitive dissonance and confusion.)

In the video, Dr Ramani discussed the cost associated with being open to the truth.

The cost we are avoiding.

What Is The Cost To Leave Abuse?

Like with anything in life, we make decisions based on cost vs benefit.

• Do I want to buy the skirt steak that costs $12 or the chicken thighs that cost $5?

• Am I going on a cruise or driving to the beach for vacation this summer?

• Should I buy those cute sandals?

• Which streaming service will I subscribe to?

• Will I have the fish or the hamburger?

• Should I put the kids in soccer or piano?

• Do I buy or rent?

• Should I go to the gym?

In these kinds of everyday scenarios, we don’t stress too hard over the outcome. We may take a bit longer on some of them because they are more detailed or take more planning, but they don’t overwhelm us the same way interpersonal cost/ benefit analysis can.

When abuse is involved, the interpersonal dynamics are so confusing and twisted that making any decision becomes a stressful event. Even the everyday ones from above can become a bigger deal.

“What if I buy the more expensive meat and he gets angry that I spent the money?”

“What if I choose the cruise and she throws a fit because she wants to go to the beach?”

Abuse adds an element to every decision that throws things up in the air.

Even those decisions are easier to make than what they eventually turn into. When the questions become:

• Do I believe him?

• Can I trust her?

• What really happened?

• Will he do it again?

• Is she lying to me?

• Do I stay or leave?

It becomes a lot harder to answer these as time goes by and often it is easier to pretend like they don’t exist.

The cost of even asking the question is too expensive. We blind ourselves to avoid the pain.

This is where the concept of Betrayal Blindness comes into play.

Betrayal Blindness: “the unawareness, not-knowing, and forgetting exhibited by people towards betrayal.” “Victims, perpetrators, and witnesses may display betrayal blindness in order to preserve relationships, institutions, and social systems upon which they depend.”

This is why many people do not see what is clearly in front of them. They depend on the blindness to keep their current life afloat.

It is important to note that both the victim and the perpetrators can exhibit this blindness.

The cost of leaving a relationship that is abusive is more than just material. Divorces cost money and time, but they also cost the future you used to envision. They cost lost years. They cost wasted efforts and heartache. They cost a broken home, two Christmases for the kids, traveling to drop-off points, beginning dating again, and grieving the loss of your extended family.

The prospect of starting over and living a life you never thought would happen has a high price tag.

Many get stuck on the cost of what could be lost instead of what could be gained because the price of leaving is also:

• no longer living in an abusive relationship

• freedom to make your own choices

• leaving a legacy of hope for your children

• choosing your happiness and well-being for a change

• the chance to create the life you want to be living

• your safety (possibly your life)

You Pay A Cost Regardless

Even if you stay you are going to pay for it. There is no avoiding the pain. The pain from any kind of abuse leaves scars whether they are physical or psychological.

The blindness that comes from abusive dynamics is functional. It keeps you alive and able to push forward for another moment.

That isn’t a way to truly live. It isn’t a way to prosper.

It is a coping mechanism that will keep you stuck living out the same old patterns into eternity.

What would it feel like to not be rooted in place another day?